A Bad-Ass Review

A page has turned.

Or, maybe, a season is done.

Whatever the metaphor, I’ve put closure to a few major events in my life—healing from surgery, Callinda, and celebrating Callinda.  Now it’s time to regroup, refocus and point myself in the next direction.

To do that, I turn to my Bipolar Bad-Ass Training, which seems odd since I’m not coming out of a bipolar episode.  But, the last six weeks threw my normal routine out the window, and Bad-Assery is all about putting routine back in place and setting focus.

Clean Eating

I was thrilled that I got all the party left-overs out of my apartment before I indulged in more than one binge.  Saturday night, I was exhausted after cleaning and schlepping.  All I wanted to do was self-medicate with food and go numb in front of the TV, which I did.  But, the next morning I gave away the rest of the left-overs or threw them in the dumpster.  Better in there than in me.

Getting too tired, too emotional, or too rigid are guaranteed triggers of my compulsive eating.  I’m pleased that I minimized the damage and am back to Paying Attention in this area.

Stamina and Strength

I’ve returned to my 6:00 AM water aerobics class.  I can still feel some soreness, and I’m not as fast or strong as when I left six weeks ago, but I’m back.  I know that a huge part of my quick recovery is due to my level of fitness going into surgery.  That feels wonderful.  Me?  Fit?  Who woulda thunk it?

The next physical issue to address will be my shoulder, reinjured when I swam laps in December.  My chiropractor suggested I get an MRI to check for structural damage, so I have an appointment to see my medical doc in a few weeks.

Set Priorities

My basic priorities remain the same—Write, Make Art and Make a Life.  Today I started working on what I’m calling my Bad-Assery manuscript—my experience as a bipolar warrior.  Lots of work to be done, lots of research to explore, but today I started.

For the next month or so, I’ll be devoting my art time to drawing.  I can feel a big boulder of resistance in my gut over this, but just like I pushed through my fear of writing, I can push through my fear of drawing.  Each time I pick up my pencil, I will feel the resistance and push back, just a little bit.  Holding this tension will strengthen my Will and give me more energy to push back the next time.  Growing my Will is important.  It will help me to push back against my compulsive impulses when they rise.  Anyway I can do that deserves time and attention.

For me, making a life means finding ways to be in the community.  Tutoring kids was too stressful and helping at the Animal Rescue League was too sad.  So, I stopped at the library today to see if they could use a volunteer.  I’ll talk to the person in charge about details tomorrow.  There’s also my involvement in TOPS and the Unitarian Universalist group.  A Life is definitely being made.

Lay in Supplies

There are chores and maintenance items to attend to, things I let go because I either wasn’t strong enough after surgery, didn’t have the time while planning for the party, or didn’t have the money.  It’s time to take care of those things.

Refocus.  Regroup.  Take stock.  And take the next step.

I’m ready.

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 17:37:59

    These sound like great goals, Sandy. I truly can not wait to read what you write about bipolar disorder. It’s wonderful to hear you have already gotten started. Blessings to you at you begin to regroup and refocus, my friend.


  2. Fork in My Eye
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 17:45:09

    More power to you! Sounds like an excellent plan. I’ve had some real difficulty getting my life and my health under control and meeting goals when I set them. You’ve inspired me to start fresh this week.


    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 23, 2012 @ 21:36:48

      You know, I used to have trouble, too. There’s something about the seriousness of being bipolar that gives these decisions a life-or-death feel to them now. Or maybe it’s the idea of having a second chance at life.


      • ManicMuses
        Apr 24, 2012 @ 03:31:38

        It’s so easy for those of us with BP to forget about tthe seriousness of the disease and fall off the wagon, so to speak. You’re an inspiration, Sandy.

      • Sandy Sue
        Apr 24, 2012 @ 11:28:37

        Yes! I always invasion myself as climbing back on the horse. They don’t buck–I jump off all on my own.

  3. carlarenee45
    Apr 24, 2012 @ 03:10:02

    I have a lot of confidence in you and I know you mean it when you decide to do something. I am preparing myself for some rearranging and changing too. But I have my money on you succeeding before me lol


  4. Vanessa Dawne
    Nov 04, 2013 @ 19:08:53

    Oh yeah, Sandy Sue, it’s all about the baby steps . . . we will all progress in our own mysterious way. Too often, Carla Renee, comparing ourselves to what we view as others’ better progress will impede our own. Rather, patting our own backs will help the baby steps get faster & bigger. After [or equal to?] Bipolar, my biggest enemy has always been my own negative thoughts — it is a continuous, but getting easier, battle. 😉


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