Waking from the Dream

I woke up this morning after a dream about my high school boyfriend.  It’s a version of how I start the day full of regret in different parts of my bipolar cycle.

I used to dream about him regularly.  He and my ex-husband were interchangeable in my dreams—the men I loved and hurt deeply.  They were casualties of my illness and fear.  I wanted so to make amends to them both, and to believe that they could forgive me, but neither would respond to my letters.  And they had no reason to.  I knew the best thing to do, for myself and for them, was leave them alone.

Last year, my high school sweetheart’s mother died.  She was someone who cared about me and made me feel safe as a teenager.  I took a chance and offered my condolences.  He responded, and we started a hesitant correspondence.  I offered my apology and regrets and, while he never responded directly to them, I felt I had been heard.  My dreams about him stopped.

The dream this morning might have started another flood of regret, but that old wound is healed now.  I know these dreams are a well-worn path my mind travels down when I’m slipping into depression, not necessarily a photograph of old sins.  I can observe the reactions that rise because of the dream and disengage.  I can watch how my thoughts want to twist into self-recrimination and loathing without riding with them into the dark.

I can wake up from the dream, send blessings into the ether to my two exes, and start my day.  Today, at this moment, I am awake.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Apr 12, 2012 @ 08:38:22

    This is a beautiful and poignant post, Sandy. You voice is so clear and crisp–ringing with truth and healing. Hugs to you, dear Sandy!


    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 12, 2012 @ 11:46:15

      I vowed to tell the truth when I started this blog, but sometimes I have to take a deep breath before I plunge in. The vulnerability and fear rises up, but I’m always glad after I’ve posted the thing. I feel like I’ve been true to myself. Thanks, always, for your support, Kathy.


  2. pegoleg
    Apr 12, 2012 @ 12:04:30

    You’re very brave to keep your vow to tell the truth – that can’t be easy.

    I haven’t been sleeping well the last few days because of a lousy cold. I went home early yesterday and tried to sleep, and when I was tossing and turning I kept drifting in and out of dreams/daydreams full of regret and discontent. Not very restful. I sometimes wonder if our unconscious minds seek to sabotage us.


  3. The Mental Chronicles
    Apr 12, 2012 @ 19:06:41

    I admire your fortitude and your ability to speak about these things with such a clear head. You have my support.


  4. littlesundog
    Apr 14, 2012 @ 22:19:03

    I love that you are open to share your life and feelings so candidly. Being true to oneself and being “glad after I’ve posted the thing” is very liberating and freeing. Thank you for sharing with all of us… it is indeed, healing.


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