Agitation and anxiety slipped back in this past weekend, and I cast a wide net to snare the reason.  Lots of possibilities, lots of targets I could blame.  But, the truth is, it’s just the illness sounding and shooting air out its blow-hole.

Gosh, I do scramble to blame my discomfort on something else.  Money is tight, and I’m feeling that pinch, so I rail against it.  I see the worst in people’s motives and jump to take offense.  I’m out of anything good to eat, so, more railing.  The agitation takes all these little fish and makes a meal for thousands out of them.  (Wait.  Was Jesus bipolar?  Nah…)

This morning I woke up.  For a moment.  I observed the railing and the casting of blame.  I took a breath and felt the agitation in my body.  I looked at my mind spinning and leaping.  Hello, old friend, I thought, much the way Ahab must have greeted the Great White Whale.  Nemesis and constant companion.  An adversary by which to measure one’s life.  Then, the seas closed over and clarity sank.

Today, I must stay focused on the true prize, not the little fish.  Those little ones are easy to catch—negativity and meanness, want and lack.  They’re like remora riding the back of the Great White Bipolar Whale.  What I’m fishing for runs deep and silent.  It must be courted and invited to dance on the surface.  There’s no net for this creature, though it does turn in the direction of love.  Curiosity, gentleness and attention can coax it.

It’s a fine day for fishing.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. littlesundog
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 09:01:30

    Well written. I have read this several times this morning and each reading creates a spiritual visual… the last paragraph is said so eloquently. This is one of your most outstanding posts.


  2. docrob50
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 09:14:00

    Sandy-Sue, could I print and share some of your writings with my spouse (a shrink) and one or two dharma teachers?

    they won’t go near a blog – even mine.



  3. magneticmuppets
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 09:26:56

    beautiful. and so accurate.


  4. Kitty
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 10:04:42

    Have I mentioned the work of Henry Emmons to you? He wrote “The Chemistry of Calm” and “The Chemistry of Joy”. I know of 2 people, for sure, who have had amazing success on his program. One is Bipolar, and is now off all his meds, and one may have been just depression. You never know what will work. Maybe check it out.

    P.S. You already knew I would love this comment… ” (Wait. Was Jesus bipolar? Nah…)” You are so cute.

    Have a splendid day. XO


  5. Deb
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 12:22:27

    Bless you, sooooo much, my dear friend. Your clarity and awareness are a beacon for us all. I love you!


  6. Kathryn McCullough
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 13:57:34

    Hope you have some peace today, my friend!


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