I just finished reading Stephen King’s newest doorstop, 11/22/63.  It’s a story about time travel and the Kennedy assassination, and one of the themes is that the past fights hard to stay the same.  Yesterday, I couldn’t help thinking that the present (particularly my present) will roll over anyone (insert “me”) to stay the same.

I visited the Animal Shelter yesterday to discuss volunteering.  The gal at the desk asked me what I’d like to do.  I said anything that needed doing.  She signed me up to work next Monday afternoon.  I walked back out to my truck in a daze.  I’d been in the building a good seven minutes.

On the drive back to town I kept telling myself, “You can do this.  It’s one afternoon.  It’s doggies and kitties.”  But, the anxiety started low in my gut and crept up to my throat.  Where was all that positive, life-affirming determination that shot me out of Minneapolis and back to Marshalltown with a vision of My New Life?  Stuck under the depression that’s since arrived, I imagine.  It was as if a part of me fought hard to stay the same.  Because the same is known, safe.

Later I went to Wal-Mart.  To start beautifying my little apartment and make it more my home, I asked my mom to help me purchase a storage cabinet for my bathroom.  Always happy to have something concrete to buy for me, Mom agreed.  I found a reasonably priced one online and had it shipped to our local store.

“Some assembly required” meant a box full of boards (Not boards, pressboard—the next step up from cardboard) and a big bag of hardware.  I’m pretty handy.  I mean, I’ve got my own drill, for heaven’s sake.  So, I wasn’t too concerned about putting an over-the-toilet cupboard together.  The instruction manual neglected to mention fronts or backs of any of the pieces, so I “assembled” the thing three times.  By then the anchors were tearing out of the pressboard, and even Gorilla Glue wouldn’t keep it standing up.  After five hours of wrestling with the thing, I gave up and took it back.  At least I got my money back.

The present took one last jab this morning.  As I was cleaning the pieces of my CPAP machine, I poked a hole in the hose that connects the machine to my face mask.  I stood at the bathroom sink, holding up both ends of the hose, watching water squirt out the hole, and I thought.  “Okay.  I give up.”  I can’t afford any more accidents (I fell on the ice out side Wal-Mart and also getting into my truck) or medical issues (an old shoulder injury is painfully back in town and there’s some gynecological shenanigans going on in my nether-regions).  I get the message.

But, there’s a part of me outside the current depression that’s getting steely-eyed.  I can feel her reaching for the Uzi.  Entropy may be a powerful force, but so is the Bad-Ass.  I’ll regroup and rethink while the depression grips me.  But, after that.  Yippy-Ki-Yay, Motherf*****.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Jan 25, 2012 @ 07:21:17

    I have lived exactly what you are writing about here. I’ve felt the terror about volunteering, the effort to fix up my apartment–all of it. Listen, BadAss, you can do this. You will do this. I can’t wait to see the amazing, downright dazzling things you accomplish, my friend!
    Hugs, hugs, hugs,


  2. Kitty
    Jan 25, 2012 @ 09:37:49

    Yes, Ma’am. Here’s to “Kickin’ ass and takin’ names!!!”


  3. Deb
    Jan 25, 2012 @ 10:12:40

    I LOVE it when the Bad-Ass rises. Don’t let the current negative juju get you down, lovely one. I’m right behind you with my rocket launcher.


  4. pegoleg
    Jan 25, 2012 @ 15:18:34

    1) Did you like the book?
    2) You look pretty buff in that picture.
    3) Thanks for using the word “entropy”.
    4) Are you going to go to the shelter next week?
    5) Hope you climb out of this (temporary) hole soon.


    • Sandy Sue
      Jan 25, 2012 @ 17:14:23

      1. I love King, but this one was particularly sweet. Suspenseful instead of creepy/scarey.
      2. Thanks, I’ve been working out.
      3. Twern’t nuthin’
      4. Monday
      5. It’s a shallow one. I’ll flop out soon.


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