Path of Least Resistance

Ever since I got back from vacation, I can’t seem to climb on top of my compulsive eating.  I know what’s going on—I got WAY off my routine, and I’m in the process of revisioning what my life can be—two destabilizing and anxiety-producing elements that are calling up all my old (and dysfunctional) coping mechanisms.  I’m spending too much money on too much food.

Every morning I start over with my oatmeal, the solid bedrock of my daily menu, but by the end of the day I’m emotionally ravenous and flying around the apartment ripping open low-fat pudding cups by the dozen.

Thursday, at my first TOPS meeting in three weeks, I was elated to have gained only 0.2 pounds.  I thought for sure the whole ball of wax (or chub) would have rolled back on.  So, even though I’m eating too much, too many calories for my goal, I’m still avoiding the “really bad stuff.”  Small victories—I’ll take them.

The only thing to do is to try to stay aware of what’s going on.  I know I’m nervous about how to grow my life from this point forward.  I’ve taken some action—connected with an Unitarian group that meets at the Y on Sundays, called the Animal Shelter to see if they need volunteers, got information about the Sweet Adelines here in town.  Each little step feels huge with potential, but I’m letting them pull me off center.

I have to plant my feet firmly in the Here and Now.  Do the work, make the calls, try out a group.  I can’t get caught up in speculation or fantasy about the future, just like I can’t moon about the past.  I felt myself sliding into depression yesterday, and as I watched that I saw how my thoughts also slid to missing my friends in Minnesota and my life there.  “Ha!” my Observer cried.  “That’s just habit!  We’re all done grieving that, remember?”

It’s true.  I am done grieving my move from Minnesota, but my depression will roll my thoughts down that rutted track because it’s the path of least resistance.  Just like my emotional discomfort rolls out my compulsions. Eating and spending money on food is the path of least resistance.

So, today, I’ll try again to watch and make good choices.  I’ll try to take the Road Less Travelled.

Time to fix my oatmeal.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. pegoleg
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 11:23:33

    Good for you for almost no weight gain – that’s an acheivement over a vacation when your routine is all out of whack. I’ve been gaining and losing the same 1-1/2 pounds for weeks now. Finally, FINALLY today I said goodby to an entirely new 1/2 pound. Mad, sad, glad = food. The one drug for all occasions, hmm?

    Reply

  2. Kathryn McCullough
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 14:37:08

    Good God, I can relate to your struggle. For me any occasion is one that calls for food. I want to eat no matter what. And I want to eat the wrong stuff. How hard. Hang in there, my friend. And congrats on gaining nearly no weight while you were away.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    Reply

  3. bipolarmuse
    Jan 23, 2012 @ 08:54:38

    You barely gained… which is great! Keep up the good work, you can attain your goals.
    I know for myself, I have just 10lb to go, and they have been the hardest. 😦 These meds did a number to me over last summer and I am still on a particular med that causes weight gain so I am sure that is not helping. I want to know how the buggers do it… my appetite has not increased at all.

    You are doing great… don’t dwell on the mistakes of what you ate, just start anew. 🙂

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Jan 23, 2012 @ 10:50:59

      Thanks for cheering me on. Gain from the psych-meds is *so* hard. I put on 100 lbs. when I went on meds, though I’m sure my compulsive eating was a huge contributor, too. We do what we have to do, don’t we?

      Reply

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