A Wished-For Song

You’re song,

a wished-for song.

Go through the ear to the center

where sky is, where wind,

where silent knowing.

Put seeds and cover them.

Blades will sprout

where you do your work.

—Rumi

≈ ≈ ≈

Back from my trip to Minneapolis/St. Paul, and I hardly know how to talk about its profound effect on my life moving forward.  I expected my ten days there to be meaningful and challenging as I reconnected with friends I haven’t seen in five years—when I left defeated and broken after losing everything to the bipolar disorder.

What I didn’t realize is that I literally left my life there.  I never expected to survive moving back to Iowa, let alone start a new life.  Most of these past five years are a blur of mental pain, drug-fog and a near-sighted view of putting one foot in front of the other.  That’s not a life.  My life was in Minnesota.

But, I could never go back, so I shut that door and bolted it.  When I did visit one or two friends there, I kept my head down and my eyes shut because the grief and loss were too much to bear.

This week, out of the blue, while I ate supper with my friends Kirk and LaRae, they suddenly invited me to move in with them.  I dismissed it immediately (the door stayed firmly bolted), but other friends suggested I consider it.  So, for the first time, I cracked the door and imagined what my life might look like if I went “home.”

The three of us talked more about the possibility, and it became clear that it wouldn’t work.  But the process of considering, of listing what I want in my life, of writing down what I value and what I need, started a whole avalanche of inner change.

The crippling grief lifted.  The overwhelming sense of loss and desperate longing for my old life vanished.  I started to envision how I could create a life worth living in Marshalltown—a life that celebrates the glorious parts of me that survived and the Bad-Ass parts born here.

I started planting seeds today, and will continue to do the Work required to help them grow.  Now, I feel like I can go back to Minneapolis anytime, reconnect with more of my old crew, take those friendships forward instead of spinning in the past.  And then, I can come home, to Marshalltown, where my life is growing.  Where my life is.

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18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kalima123
    Jan 16, 2012 @ 20:43:09

    Really beautiful, really powerful, and a testament that sometimes we just have to go home.

    Reply

  2. fivereflections
    Jan 16, 2012 @ 20:44:29

    going forward is a good thing.

    Reply

  3. Fiddle gal
    Jan 16, 2012 @ 20:50:06

    Welcome home my friend.

    Reply

  4. Sheryl Mae
    Jan 16, 2012 @ 21:52:08

    I had a strong feeling that this trip would indeed be one of change for you – I just wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. So perhaps its not going to be Minneapolis, perhaps its not going to be Marshalltown forever. The thing is, you can take the time you need to figure it out. Nothing is set in stone. Many are the choices each day in this thing called Life. I love you Sissy.

    Reply

  5. Kitty
    Jan 16, 2012 @ 21:54:41

    It doesn’t get any better than that!

    Love you.

    Reply

  6. Rev Marshall Wright
    Jan 17, 2012 @ 06:56:28

    HO TO YOUR FLOW . . . . . . Love is . . . .

    Reply

  7. bipolarmuse
    Jan 17, 2012 @ 08:43:15

    I really enjoyed this… it is inspirational.

    Reply

  8. Kathryn McCullough
    Jan 17, 2012 @ 09:10:33

    I love it that you have opened your heart to possibility. And I’m happy that you’re home here again, too. I missed you, my friend.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    Reply

  9. pegoleg
    Jan 17, 2012 @ 11:15:32

    Welcome back to Iowa and the blogosphere. I’m so glad your experience was affirming, and not the ordeal it seemed you were dreading.

    ps I love your friends’ garden.

    Reply

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