Through the Ice Darkly

Tomorrow I leave for an excursion into the arctic north.  I’m spending the next ten days in Minneapolis, first to sit with a friend as she undergoes a simple, but scary surgery.  Then, to visit other friends—some I’ve not seen since my exodus to Iowa five years ago after I had ECT.

It’s a weird juxtaposition of memory holes and my different lives laid on top of each other like layers of ice on a frozen lake.  Some are Jasper-green and opaque with soft spots and groaning cracks, others sludge-gray with craters.  Others still carry bits of fish scale, algae, and ash from shoreline campfires of summer.  They stand rock solid even in the spring thaw.

Seeing these beloved friends again, touching them, will be like taking nourishment and starving.  Love and loss.  A life remembered through “the glass darkly.”  I hope to maintain my curiosity as broken memories crack the surface of consciousness, as my friends remind me of what we were together and what I was then.  I hope to hold them and myself with compassion, respecting our feelings and our words, watching the rise and fall of emotions without grasping, allowing myself to simply love them in the moment of being together.  I hope to remember my life now, who I’ve become, traveling like Frankenstein’s monster on a frozen floe with growing awareness and a spark of dignity.

It will be an interesting time away.

I will greet you all again on or around January 16.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Jan 04, 2012 @ 08:36:33

    Have a great trip, Sandy. Blessings and hugs to you for your journey!
    Kathy

    Reply

  2. docrob50
    Jan 04, 2012 @ 14:40:23

    reading your words opens me up. Compassion for you yes and compassion for all too!

    and would if i could, plant this seed thought of yours: “I hope to hold them and myself with compassion, respecting our feelings and our words, watching the rise and fall of emotions without grasping, allowing myself to simply love them in the moment of being together” and apply to who you have become now…..

    read you on my birthday

    Reply

  3. pegoleg
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 10:57:30

    Great word picture of memories and lives as ice. Have a great trip.

    Reply

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