Return of the Bad-Ass

This morning I got up on the good side of the bed.  And I didn’t even know I had one.

Life in general is taking a turn.  Our family is slowly finding a new rhythm without Dad.  My incision hurts less all the time and water aerobics is morphing back into something enjoyable instead of torture.  I have a plan for combating the respiratory infections that have plagued me the last couple of years.  My bipolar disorder is quiet for the time being.  And my new doc planted some motivational seeds to take up the weight loss banner.  Again.

It’s the return of the Bipolar Bad-Ass.  Thank the stars!  It’s been a couple of months since I felt this strong and clear with some sense of direction and the energy to follow through.  I quit whining about not having the perfect coffee shop to do my word smithing and planted myself at Muddy Waters.  This is where I first started writing again after my bipolar collapse.  The folks there know me, welcome me and treat me well.

I checked out two juvenile books at the library, on the recommendation of my friend, Joa, the Children’s Librarian, and put my name on the waiting list for Stephen King’s new book.  My ECT-fried brain is a lot like my stiff arm after surgery.  The muscles and skin ache and resist stretching, but they have to be worked in order to function.  I haven’t read anything in awhile, and I need to.  It’s part of my Training.

I pulled out my calorie counter, Clean Eating magazines, food journal and started paying attention to my intake again. Hearing Dr. Brown say “I know it’s hard, but you have to do it anyway” felt good.  I needed to hear that the obstacles in my way don’t really matter—the obsessive compulsive behavior, the fears, the wanting.  They are serious, and they are real, but I have to find a way to set them aside.  At this moment, I’m determined to lose 20 pounds (Yikes!  Did I say that out loud?).  I don’t know how long that will take, but there it is—my starting goal.  In black and white.

Of course, my mood will shift.  The depression will waft back in and blow my resolve.  But, I’m going to try to keep focus during the next episode.  And if I can’t manage that, I’ll try to get back to Bad-Ass Training sooner rather than later.  But, today is what I have, and today I’m in Training.  Today, the Bitch is Back.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 17:16:23

    Hooray for you, Sandy! I totally love the collage at the top of this post. You go, girl–dare I say “bitch?”


  2. Sheryl Mae
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 21:14:29

    Hey hey hey! Well there you go – a terrific sounding day. Chalk it up and mark it down! But please take your name off the library waiting list. ‘Nuf said. See you tomorrow.


  3. Kitty
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 09:03:03

    Dearest Sandy Sue, Here’s what your words did for me today…

    Today, the Bitch is Back!

    If I’m going to be obsessive compulsive anyway, living with fears and constantly wanting… something! …I might as well turn those tendencies into something positive for me. Who says habits have to be bad?!?

    Today… Become obsessive compulsive about loving my whole Self… Body, Mind & Soul. Use the fear as Energy to shift the behavior toward wanting only the Highest and Best for My Self and All That Is.

    I feel 20 pounds lighter already. God, I needed this today!


  4. docrob50
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 20:44:20

    I think it’d be fun to hang with the bitch in muddy waters!

    ….and you know i’d be ever so happy to send you a print or two maybe in exchange for a Deep Space Nine story?


    • Sandy Sue
      Dec 08, 2011 @ 22:30:17

      You are too cute, Rob! Alas, I never embraced DS9 as a good Trekker should. I was too dazzled by Patrick Stewart’s bald pate to look elsewhere.


  5. Chris Smith
    Dec 20, 2011 @ 10:49:09

    Hello Sandy Sue,
    Thanks, on a related note, I use to overeat and overexercise regularly. I employed food to ease and comfort me, then I employed training as punishment for using food. It was a mad ass cycle that more or less ruined me. Seriously, r-u-i-n.
    Keep up the good work


    • Sandy Sue
      Dec 20, 2011 @ 15:27:26

      Chris, thanks so much for coming to visit. I tell ya. It took a l-l-o-o-n-n-g-g time to quit thinking of exercise as punishment. I was finally able to disconnect it from food. Now, it’s something I do to keep my brain healthy.


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