Each morning I wake up and think, “I need to find something to blog about today.” But, there’s nothing helpful in the way I’m shambling through this depression—nothing inspirational and certainly nothing skillful.
I’m ashamed of the way it’s beaten me back into a very old corner. I spend all my money on junk food that makes me physically sick and mentally dead, then I sleep to escape the shame and self-loathing. I wake up and vow to stop, to change, to take back control, to make one positive gesture. Then, the depression sweeps me off my feet and back into the corner.
I’m so angry. Just when I think my hard work is starting to take effect, when there looks like a possibility of improving my quality of life, the illness blows in harder and faster than ever. It scatters my fragile scaffolding like Tinker Toys, and I have to start all over.
Forget about volunteering at the Animal Rescue League—I can’t even rescue myself. Forget about saving money for a new car—I spend every cent I have on Cheetos. Forget about building a life with dignity and meaning. Just forget all about that.
There comes a point in every episode where I can get up from the corner and start over. I pick up all the Tinker Toys and start rebuilding. I start my Bipolar Bad Ass Training. But, I’m not there yet. I’m not even close. The thought of starting over—again—seems pointless and exhausting from this corner. I’m not effecting any change. I’m not who I want to be. This isn’t life, it’s limbo.
This isn’t fit blogging material. There’s no uplifting moral to the story, no shaft of light, no plucky heroine. It’s just me, bare-faced, in this horrible corner. But, I promised myself at the beginning of this venture that I’d be honest here. And while this post comes from a mind that’s twisted and distorted now from illness, it’s all I’ve got. That and the corner.
SandySue Altered
Nov 13, 2011 @ 06:49:44
Thanks for this honest expression of how you feel and where you are. I have been here way too many times. I understand. I join you in the corner. I care.
Hugs,
Kathy
Nov 13, 2011 @ 06:57:19
It’s so hard to expose this, but it feels important, too.
Nov 13, 2011 @ 12:09:21
May I remind you that some of us are so grateful for the Truth you share. You are Real in a world that tells us to stop being real… shape up or ship out… buy this and you’ll feel better. You help me allow myself to be Real, so please don’t stop.
P.S. I like you.
Nov 13, 2011 @ 18:51:15
I’m grateful everyday that we found each other.
Nov 13, 2011 @ 20:28:21
I didn’t know how to help you today. I don’t know that I’ve seen you down as low before. I didn’t know what to say for fear that I would say the wrong thing. I didn’t know what to do other than just be there if you need me. I’m always going to be there for you – I’m not going anywhere.
P.S. I love you.
Nov 14, 2011 @ 14:31:45
i love you, too.
Nov 13, 2011 @ 22:16:26
Hang in there, Sandy Sue. You’ll live to fight another day — and swim, and eat well, and be with friends, and develop your artwork.
As for living with meaning, this blog gives meaning to your readers and a good meaningful reason for you to remember that you’ll swing up again. I bet someday you’ll have a much huger readership than your current 50 — and congratulations on that milestone.
As for “fit content” — this IS the fit content. We don’t require a happy ending. If we did,
Nov 14, 2011 @ 14:31:02
thank you for your sweet words.
Nov 14, 2011 @ 11:26:12
I wish I had some word of wisdom to share to make this all better. It has been a bitter lesson to learn that life is full of bad crap, and there’s nothing we can do about most of it.
Just hang in there, and remember the good times. Because they will come again.
Nov 14, 2011 @ 14:10:10
I really hope this passes quickly Sandy Sue. I know how awful depression is and I applaud you for being able to blog at all during this period.
Nov 14, 2011 @ 14:29:23
thanks, kat. i appreciate the kindness.