The depression eased up for about four hours yesterday.  I sat here working on Callinda and thought, “Yipee! It’s over!”  But, alas.  It was just my brain teasing me, dangling Clear Mind in front of me like a bobbing apple.  Soon enough, the Transylvanian Fog rolled back in, and I spent the rest of the day watching endless episodes of Gilmore Girls.

Still, it was a breather, a reminder that my thoughts will eventually stop gravitating toward the Dark Side.  I feel myself getting battle weary from warding off the latest volley of despair and worthlessness.  Ugh.  To counter that today, I worked on a collage for my new grand-nephew, Zane, who was born October 25.

Mom, my sister and her husband will be leaving Friday to go visit the new baby (and his big brother, Wyatt).  I want to get the piece finished so they can take it with them.  It seems to be coming along fine, but it takes so much effort.  I can measure how severe this episode is by how little interest I have in my art or my writing.  A little scary, but that’s just attaching meaning to feelings that are really meaningless.

The lack of interest, the digestive grumblings, the achy joints and muscles, the distorted thoughts, the hinky sleep, the social anxiety—they’re all just the illness throwing out its normal chemical spew.  If I can keep watching as they vomit forth, I can keep from grabbing them up as if they are worth something.  Deep breath, drink some water, and queue up some more diversion.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Nov 01, 2011 @ 20:50:06

    That loss of interest in everything is, by far, the worst part of depression. I always felt so damn dead, and yet I remained “alive.” Made me understand the notion of the living dead. Hang in there, my friend.


  2. Sheryl Mae
    Nov 01, 2011 @ 21:46:57

    Hang in there, sissy. Four hours of clearing thought will hopefully lead to more. Making a piece for the baby is a huge accomplishment at this time. Love you.


  3. pegoleg
    Nov 02, 2011 @ 09:32:01

    Do “uplifting, clean songs” help at these times? Can you find relief or solace in music? Hope that 4 hours keeps stretching out.


    • Sandy Sue
      Nov 02, 2011 @ 10:30:48

      Actually, this was the only card in my photo library that related even a little bit to the post. Sometmes it’s a real stretch to find a piece that matches the text. But, yes, singing is a release, though when I’m so depressed, it too much work. Listening to music always helps.


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