A Mental Hidey-Hole

The sense of this episode is one of being overwhelmed.  It’s like my brain has lost all elasticity and resilience.  I’m unable to problem-solve even small hiccups in the day much less figure out how to deal with unusual tasks.  My cognitive ability seems mired in glue, and at the same time my body perceives each decision to be made as a threat.

For example, the apartment management notified us that the bedbug-sniffing dog would be coming around to all the apartments today.  They do this every 3-4 months, since we have a history of infestation.  Still, it’s an ordeal, since I have to pack up the cats and all their paraphernalia two hours before the dog arrives.  Usually I take them to a friends’ house, but they’re having work done on their basement, so I had to devise another plan.

I was at a total loss as to what to do.  My mind spun.  I tried to approach the problem, but the vortex whipped me away.  Finally, after crying in the pool at the Y this morning, I suddenly thought of calling my mom and taking the cats out there.  Problem solved, but I was exhausted and frayed.  Mom asked me if I wanted to take home some tomatoes a neighbor had brought her, and I burst into tears.  Then, my neighbor in the apartment building called to say the inspection had been cancelled.  I sobbed so hard Henry came running to see what all the racket was about.

All of a sudden I have appointments and meetings written all over my calendar through the end of the year (a normal week will have one item, at most).  And even though I write them all down so I won’t forget, I keep forgetting.  I can’t hold them in my head.  And when a few do stick, they bump around in there like mad hornets.  These aren’t things I can blow off.  I had my annual physical, and there are specialists to be seen, lab work to be done, boobs to be squished.

Between episodes, I could manage all this just fine.  But right now it feels like non-stop attack.  I want to find a hidey-hole like my scaredy-cat, Emmett, and tuck myself into a ball so small no one can see me.

What this tells me is that I need to eliminate everything but the essential right now, keep social contact to no more than two people at a time (that seems to be my limit), put off making any serious decisions (like buying a new swim suit), and do what I can to soothe the exposed nerve endings.  I can’t avoid situations like today, but I can choose not to go to a party and a church supper this weekend like I’d planned.

It makes me sad to give up those social opportunities since I don’t get many of them.  But, it’s just bad timing.  Better to live in reality than suffer in denial.  At least that’s what Henry says.  When Emmett comes out of his hidey-hole, he’ll probably have a different opinion.

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. pegoleg
    Oct 27, 2011 @ 17:34:51

    That sounds like a plan to deal with overload – cut out all the extraneous so you don’t get overwhelmed. And keep listening to the cats, of course. Until you are literally hearing them talk to you. You know, in English. Then we might have another problem.


  2. Kitty
    Oct 27, 2011 @ 18:30:53

    Do you think it’s possible that those of us of the Bipolar persuasion are simply moving faster Spiritually than our physical human bodies can handle? Like an evolutionary step kind-of-a-thing? So that would mean it’s actually a “good” thing… difficult, but important. Hmmm…?


    • Sandy Sue
      Oct 28, 2011 @ 05:20:47

      Well, some cultures thought people with mental illness actually bridged the worlds–very apt at Halloween/Samhain time. I’d like to think there’s a purpose involved.


  3. kathy
    Oct 27, 2011 @ 20:28:25

    Hang in there, my friend!


  4. Richard L Olson
    Oct 29, 2011 @ 00:28:38

    Thanks for your blog Sandy Sue. I see from your writings that you too are in the thick of it. Whether it is the season by the sun or the season of the proximity to the dead, we are in the thick of it. I didn’t go to Foundation due to lack of vacation. It may have been appropriate to stay home. I am being treated for depression and the approach is similar to the last time – more lithium. Back up plan a trace of Zoloft. I am glad you are here. I’d love to chat or talk again if and when you are up to it.

    As far as the major changes in the Earth plain with this date I haven’t seen them. It will be interesting to hear from others who were at the retreat.

    Take care as this too will pass.



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