BOGO from Hell

The depression has been back a couple of days now.  With all the other difficulties going on right now—still being sick, Dad’s deteriorating condition, the family’s hysteria—pushing against another bipolar episode feels like the Halloween version of a Buy One, Get One Free sale.

It’s already hard to get out of bed with the croup, but the depression makes it a monumental struggle.  I’ve needed to summon my Will to get to the nursing home to visit Dad and to try to get back to the Y, if only to walk in the water a little bit.  Now those things are near impossible.

But the worst are the thoughts.  A person tends to get a little maudlin and self-absorbed when down with an illness, but depression compounds those grumbles.  They multiply, turning neutral events into nightmares and boiling up a whole stew of concocted disasters.  Out of self defense, I’ve just shut the processor down as much as possible.  When a thought rises, positive or negative, I beat it back with my book of crossword puzzles or Sudoku.  I watch TV.

Unfortunately, I also eat.  Which means I’m spending too much at the grocery store.  Which means I’m really broke.  Which feeds the Disaster Stew Pot.

So much for Will right now, too.

Laying in the hot tub at the Y this morning, I reminded myself that “this will pass.”  If I can just keep beating back the thought gremlins, this episode will shift, I’ll get over the bronchitis, and I’ll be able to do the right and proper things for my dad and the family.  Just not right now.  Right now I’ve got to keep from being buried by the bargains from this BOGO from Hell.

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitty
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 14:13:10

    I know that, for me, some days all I can do is keep reminding myself that “this will pass.” And it will… but dang, it’s tough when you’re in it. Hang in there, Sister. And try really hard to do the exercise part. In my experience, that more than anything else, will help the shift to “better” happen. And it’s hard to eat potato chips and ice cream (my lunch in bed on one of my toughest days last week!) when you’re in the water. 🙂

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Sep 29, 2011 @ 16:13:48

      If I could just catch my breath. I’m still coughing up lungers and so frickin’ weak. But, I know how right you are and will keep getting into the water even if it’s just to walk up and down the pool. I recognize that lunch menu and the venue. I’m so sorry you’re in this shit-hole too.

      Reply

  2. docrob50
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 15:56:25

    Sandy – or is it Sue – when depression arises?

    You’r posts have deeply touched me. The isolation you experience either or both maybe because of the chemical imbalance, the poverty or whatever saddens me.
    And re-awoke the realization that many many people are shunned, shut-away, or shut-up by our communities, by each one of us in some way, if only by our willingness to remain silent when others are suffering.

    I hope you can feel / know on some true level that through your sharing you are making a difference…planting seeds and cultivating compassion – which I hope you can hold yourself within – in compassion and loving-kindness?

    These thoughts “the disaster stew pot” of worst case scenerios that just run wild in the mind more so or especially so when depression arises – and yes, there are events occuring in your life right now that could make anybody depressed, maudlin, and being swallowed up in the mire of doomsday thoughts.

    I can relate.

    Something i learned of Buddhism that has been an immensely rich and liberating concept is this: The mind is to be considered as a sensory organ just as ears, eyes,
    fingertips, tips of the nose are. The outcome being that what we are is not the thoughts that run willy nilly in everybodies heads. We are not what we think. DesCartes not withstanding we are not what we think we are and often when we are most absorbed and lost in thought are those times when we are actually less present.

    There are ways / practices to help recognize, accept, and learn to experience thoughts as simply flotsam flowing by on some one of many streams of thought.
    We can spend our lives floating on those thought-streams and never experience our life – which is what many of us do. Or, like you, to be courageous, fierce in ways still growing. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly.

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Sep 29, 2011 @ 16:11:03

      Doc, your response is a dream come true. I don’t post to make people feel sad or guilty, just aware and to plant those “seeds of compassion” you so eloquently name. My hope is that folks will see someone in their lives like me and reach out to them.
      I love the idea of the brain as a sensory organ, which gets tricked and sends inaccurate information. I know I’m not my thoughts, but like everyone in the world, I still fall prey to them when they are so very loud.
      And it’s still Sandy Sue.

      Reply

  3. Kathryn McCullough
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 19:26:18

    Gosh, I’m so sorry to hear this is all happening at once. Your responses sound wholey reasonable though. You’ve got a LOT going on. I have to admit your line about this feeling like the Halloween version of buy-one-get-one-free made me laugh–such a PERFECT description. Your metaphors are amazing sometimes.
    Hang in there, my friend!
    Kathy

    Reply

  4. ManicMuses
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 07:08:47

    Shut that processor down and reboot when you’re ready and you’ll shut down those BOGOs from hell. Sending healing thoughts your way!

    Reply

  5. pegoleg
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 09:30:31

    I’d prefer the BOGO down at Payless.

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers, Sandy, to ride this out and get whole and healthy soon. Ditto on keeping up the exercise, although it must be tough while coughing up a lung.

    Reply

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