Tiny Windows

The thing about being in a bipolar mixed state, is that the mix keeps changing.  Just when I think I’m picking up some clues about the agitation, it disappears, leaving me with a few hours of feeling fine.  Or I start out the day so depressed I can barely rub two thoughts together only to have the agitation seep back in and rev up my rage.

All my high ideals about holding awareness of the different energies running through me collapse under the instinct to survive.  All the old compulsions kick in, the old ways of coping.  Forget about trying to resist the urges or practice new behavior.

But, I’m trying to look at this whole mixed-state episode as a teaching.  What is possible?  I can still try to watch the agitation when it comes.  I can still try to watch the behaviors it instigates.  I can still try to identify when my mood shifts and what the new mood might be.  Tiny windows open up, and I can note how I feel and what I’m doing.  Then, they close, and I’m back to being oblivious.

I figure, tiny windows are better than none at all.  Collect enough tiny windows and light might actually seep into a room.  That’s what I’m hoping.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Aug 29, 2011 @ 15:51:26

    I so understand this experience. The desperation to escape a mixed state is so intense–as if your very survival and sanity depend on it.
    Hang in there, my friend! I’m glad you’re having the tiny windows of light!


  2. strugglingwithbipolar
    Aug 29, 2011 @ 18:47:12

    I like your description of your mixed episode experience. Sometimes, it’s difficult for me to express what I experience. It is also wonderful that you are able to be mindful at times about your experience. It makes it so that you can learn from the experience.

    One thing I find helpful in times like these is writing. I know you are doing that already through your blog, but I also try journaling and writing poetry. I keep it to myself as my own personal documentation of the struggles I’ve survived.


    • Sandy Sue
      Aug 29, 2011 @ 19:38:00

      Writing and making art really keep me centered. Would you ever share your poetry on your blog? I’d love to see it, and I bet others would, too.


  3. Richard Olson
    Aug 31, 2011 @ 11:41:00

    So much for being as we would be. It’s more like we are as the world is.



    • Sandy Sue
      Aug 31, 2011 @ 22:47:18

      We are as we are. That doesn’t mean we still can’t aspire to what we would be and work toward that end. I know over the Long View, my capacity to hold this illness has grown. Each episode presents a different challenge.
      All I can do is meet it as I am in the moment.


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