30 Days of Gratitude: Day 19

One of the main reasons I went to Pittsburgh was to get my teacher’s input about the next step in my spiritual work.  As I journaled on my way out there:

It’s more than being on the road and on my way to Melanie.  I’m fine.  I haven’t had an episode in three weeks.  That’s a new record.  Truly.  What’s happening?  Are the drugs finally out of my system?  Has my brain started to manufacture the chemicals it needs again?  Is my practice working?  Is it the energy of the group coming together?  Is it the work with the Gratitude Journal?  Could it be possible, can I dare imagine, that maybe now I can actually work on the food compulsion?

Melanie and I discussed the nature of compulsion, how it’s the complete absence of Will.  She suggested I read about Will from authors like P.D. Ouspensky and G.I Gurdjieff to get a sense of what compulsion is not.  And, like Geneen Roth, Melanie believed many clues to riding the compulsion will come from attending the sensation of it in my body.  Where do I feel the drive to eat in my body?  Does it rise and fall?  Does it expand and contract?  Does it have edges or boundaries?  Does it change as I bring attention to it?

I thought I had come a long way in paying attention to my body, but I realized I’d just begun.  Now it’s time to let my body be in control.  My job is to pay attention to the signals and give my body what it wants.  I love ice cream, but it gives me diarrhea.  My body is telling me something.  I love coffee, but it makes my stomach bloated and gassy.  My body is telling me something.

Another piece came to me one morning as the group sat in meditation.  I became aware of my body as separate and also part of the group.  I was Group.  In that state, the Group Will became accessible to me, something more subtle and more powerful than my little will.  I realized that to work with my compulsion I would have to connect with and call on this larger, higher Will.  This was a key piece for me.  As with any Twelve Step Program, the process of relying on a Higher Power opens up the psyche to all manner of possibilities.  What my little will cannot do, a larger Will can.

When I came home, I looked at habits and practices that set me up to ignore my body and went about making some changes.  For the past few days, I’ve sat in meditation before making supper, getting in touch with the Group Will and concentrating on the signals my body sends me.  I make choices on what to fix based on those signals, then check in several times in the evening to see if my choices were received well.  I’m finding that the signals are very clear.  I’m also finding that it takes energy and my little will to keep making good choices, though I can sense the greater Will at work weaving a new matrix.  My intent is to keep reinforcing this new pattern for three weeks until it becomes habit, then continue to draw on Group Will to maintain it.

That’s my plan.  We’ll see what happens.

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 17:50:31

    Hey Sandy–
    Tomorrow morning at 7 EST (Wed. Aug 3)–I have a post scheduled to go live that you might want to check out. I’m leaving you a little something, but this award obligates you to do absolutely nothing, unless you really, really want to. http://www.reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/notes-toward-a-bloggers-bible-saving-a-blogroll-redeeming-a-meme/
    Kathy

    Reply

  2. Kathryn McCullough
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 20:04:20

    In another post, would you mind sometime clarifying what you mean by Group Will? I’m not sure I understand, but it sounds empowering.
    Kathy

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 11:35:35

      What I understand about Group Will is teeny tiny. What I know is that it is *not* free will or will power. Those of us who have been working together for several years (twenty-some years for some folks) are trying to both raise our own individual consciousness and the consciousness of the whole group. As consciousness grows, so does different capacities, so the capacity of the group (to hold and use different types of energy, for example) is larger than our individual capacities. For me, Group Will feels like both an alignment of my intent and an influx of energy to move me in that direction. I know this all sounds woo-woo and vague, but it’s the best I can come up with.

      Reply

  3. Richard Olson
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 01:39:37

    Hey Sandy. There’s some good articles about the subject Sticky Switches as a possible cause of bipolar disorder. I read them and it made much sense to me. The past experience of feeling stuck in one hemisphere and suddenly beling let go to operate in the other. I asked a brain researcher some 30 years ago about BP having something to do with being stuck i on e side of the brain. He didn’t have an answer. Now there is the beginnings.
    Richard

    Reply

  4. ManicMuses
    Aug 04, 2011 @ 12:58:49

    If you find anything on sticky switches, will you share? Does sound intriguing!

    Reply

  5. Kitty
    Aug 05, 2011 @ 15:11:09

    Would Group Will be like Synergy? Not making the group change, but creating an opportunity, a space, where it can change/evolve?

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Aug 06, 2011 @ 16:58:12

      My understanding is that as those of us in Foundation meditate together and focus on group consciousness, an energetic group body is being created. It’s fed by our efforts and is also working to raise its own consciousness. It becomes a source of power and clarity that we can draw on. In effect, I’m plugging into that power source.
      I took all this talk about Group with a grain of salt—sounded pretty WooWoo to me—but I’ve got nothing to loose, right? I believe I experienced Group for the first time in Pittsburgh—at least that’s what I’m naming what I felt. And so far, it’s been effortless to turn away from the small compulsive urges I’ve felt since then. So, go figure.

      Reply

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