Finding the Gift

For the last few days I’ve been stuck in an uncomfortable place.  I haven’t posted much because I can’t find the “gift.”  If I sit with my discomfort, if I do the spiritual and mental work, there’s always insight—eventually.  I just haven’t gotten there yet.

Frankly, I’m frightened.  None of my ideas or plans for managing this illness seem to work for long.  I can follow through when I’m stable, but lately that state only lasts about a week before the depression or the mania return.  I believed going off medication would make a bigger difference than it has.  I’m clearer, my memory is better, and I no longer experience rapid cycling, but I had hoped for more.  I guess I was looking for a miracle.

I have to sit back for a minute, take a deep breath, and concentrate on the gifts I already have—a nice apartment, a vehicle that runs, my friends and family, clean clothes, two sweet cats, a place where I can swim and dance, food in the cupboard, a network of cyber-friends who understand me.  I can see the list going on and on.  If I hold onto these gifts, maybe I can wait out the fear and resignation, not get too mired in them.  This all will turn.  It always does.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Jun 22, 2011 @ 07:06:47

    I swear to God, Sandy, it will get better–if you only keep at it! You are doing the right things, but the healing process is slow, as is the ability to manage mood. You can do this. You are doing it, and that is the real gift. It’s hard as hell, but you are doing it! I have been where you are. Was there for years, but if you keep caring for yourself you will heal. Hang on, my friend!


  2. strugglingwithbipolar
    Jun 22, 2011 @ 10:19:41

    Sandy – I also rapid cycle so I know where you are coming from. It seems like I get 3-4 weeks stable followed by a mood episode. It’s not easy. I really like that you are hanging on to those gifts. I like to call it gratitude. I try doing that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.


  3. ManicMuses
    Jun 23, 2011 @ 00:23:43

    The greatest challenge in dealing with this illness is accepting and riding the ebb and flow of emotions – and not letting them ride you. You’re a talented and wonderful person! All will flow again soon. Stay strong!


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