During this quiet spell between episodes, I’m feeling a real need to tend to my body.  My weight has crept back up to almost 300 pounds.  Yikes, that’s hard to put out in cyberspace, but truth is truth.  I always try to rein in my compulsive eating when I’m stable, but no plan, or intention, or amount of flagellation works for long.  In February, after keeping track of calories and adding more cardio and strength training to my workout, I thought I was finally making progress.  Then the next episode came, and the compulsive eating took over.  Again.

I gave up.  I’ve given up many times over the years—decided I’d just live my life fat and happy instead of fat and miserable—but the discomfort of dragging around so much excess cargo always brings me back to trying again.  So, yesterday I pulled out my Calorie Counter, planned some meals, went to the grocery store to stock up on fresh food, and worked hard at the gym.  And, of course, I ate a container of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby.

If you’ve never seen The United States of Tara on Showtime, the show is about a woman with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, or multiple personality) played by Toni Collette.  One of Tara’s alters is a primal, animalistic creature that comes forward when Tara is in danger, physically or psychologically.  This little creature, Gimme, pees on people it doesn’t like, huddles in corners, scuttles around like a bug.  I think Gimme and my compulsive eating hatched from the same primordial goo.

The only thing I can do is try again today.  I know the primal creature inside me is terrified.  I know the overeating is about control and comfort.  I also know that sometimes, I can choose to not eat.  Sometimes, I can hear my body when it tells me it’s full or when it’s hungry.  Sometimes, I can even act according to those sensations.  Today, I will record what I eat and work out hard.  I will try to make better choices.

In what seemed like a stroke of pure synchronicity, my friend Kathy also wrote about her struggles with food on her blog yesterday and shared a wonderful poem.  Other people have been talking to me about their battles with weight.  The attendance in aerobics class yesterday doubled with women who have renewed their efforts.  Something’s in the air.  Or maybe in the primordial goo.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn McCullough
    Jun 01, 2011 @ 06:55:40

    Gosh, dear Sandy, thanks for the shout out! This post is a amazingly helpful! (I didn’t even know there was a show about DID, by the way.)

    Blessings to you in your efforts to exercise and eat better! I’m with you, sister–I am sooooooooooo with you! You and I may be “born from the same primordial goo,” as well!



  2. strugglingwithbipolar
    Jun 01, 2011 @ 14:22:06

    I have issues with my eating habits during an episode. Sometimes, I don’t eat at all. Others, I eat all the time using food to self soothe. It sounds like you are taking the right steps while you can to control your compulsive eating. I know it’s not easy, but we are here for you.


  3. Josh
    Jun 01, 2011 @ 15:36:17

    I am so very proud of you for not giving up. Since being on Zyprea I have been battling with my weight, but back to you. The post and personal struggle you shared is quite inspiring! I love your “don’t give up attitude” because of you I have set a new *inanition, which is to watch what I eat, workout even harder, and keep a food journal.

    Thanks so much for the inspiration!

    Josh… -:)

    *Intention is what I meant, it’s hard typing while riding me exercise bike…


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