Cosmic Crap Shoot

Today is just the type of day I train for.  Who knows where the physical funk and mental fog come from?  It’s such a mystery to me, such a puzzle.  I’m not completely sold on the theory of brain chemistry, at least not in the way it’s been explained so far (and no matter what shrinks say, there’s still no definitive research results on the serotonin/dopamine theory of bipolar disorder).  Weather and barometric pressure play a part in my mood swings—sometimes.  What I eat and drink can make my body feel more or less happy and my brain more or less sharp.  The quality and amount of sleep certainly makes a difference.  Circumstances and personal interaction effect what I think of as the outer layers of my mood.  They irritate and agitate, but aren’t the cause of the deep tectonic shifts.  Am I, like some indigenous peoples think, a tuning fork for different frequencies of energy?  If I went into a trance, would I walk between the dimensions?

Whatever the cause, it’s the effect that demands attention. This morning I woke up with too much body pain and not enough dendrites firing.  The only thing to do in that situation is not take any of it personally or seriously.  Fog and Funk are not suicidal depression.  They aren’t bank-emptying mania.  They’re just Snake Eyes thrown out of the Cosmic Crap Shoot.

I could just shlump around all day, but “there be dragons” on that path.  I’ve discovered that shlumping can start a downward spiral, so it’s best to let the Bipolar Bad Ass training kick in.  This includes exercise, healthy distraction, nutritious food (oh, I did eat those Cheetos…) and holding myself gently.  A big part of training for days like these is learning to wait—wait for the fog to lift before trying to rewrite that next chapter, wait for the Advil to take effect before going for a walk, wait out the day with as much grace and patience as I can.  The funk and fog will lift.  Maybe tomorrow.  It just depends on how the dice roll.

Do we know what silence is, my friends, or not?

This life that faces both ways

has marked the human face from within.

—Rainer Maria Rilke

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sherry
    May 09, 2011 @ 22:16:36

    For a long time it seemed that you had been assimilated and that the sister I knew was no more. You walked and talked like a drone. But lately the old you seems to have been resurrected. Never believe that “resistance is futile”. Keep up the bad-ass training. Spock and Locutus would be proud.


    • Sandy Sue
      May 09, 2011 @ 22:31:51

      OMG! Listen to you and your perfect Trekkese! I’ve died and gone to Seti Alpha Five!


    • Sandy Sue
      May 09, 2011 @ 22:45:59

      Seriously, there’s a difference between fighting the good fight and throwing a fit about what is. Whether I’m in a funk or in a real depression, it’s a waste of energy to fight the fact of it. I have to accept what is and relax into the parameters of the day (no Big Art will be made, no parties attended, etc.). That’s when Resistance is Futile. Once I’ve done that, I can pull out my management arsenal—Vulcan death grip included.


  2. Kathryn McCullough
    May 09, 2011 @ 23:17:25

    Brilliant writing, Sandy! Amazing insight! This post is powerful and moving, my friend!


  3. lifereconnected
    May 11, 2011 @ 13:27:53

    I really get this. The funk and fog – who really knows the origin and like you I’m not convinced about the brain chemistry, too chicken and egg for me. And do you know I am forever thinking that doctors never get to hear these descriptions about how it actually feels to experience what I describe as depression. You capture completely what happens to me when that familiar stranger of dark mood descends on me and how at the end of it all we find what helps us as individuals to get through. I absolutely love your image – the Cosmic Crap Shoot. Just love it.


  4. Kitty
    May 17, 2011 @ 11:07:29

    I like to read back over the comments on old entries and this made me laugh right out loud… “OMG! Listen to you and your perfect Trekkese! I’ve died and gone to Seti Alpha Five!”

    It really struck me when lifereconnected said, “I am forever thinking that doctors never get to hear these descriptions about how it actually feels to experience… depression.” I think people try to tell them, but it’s not so easy to hear if you’ve never felt it in your own body. I write about this a lot… helping myself understand, even if those who have never felt it can’t relate.


  5. Gerald Eastridge
    Feb 16, 2015 @ 13:27:38

    Most of my plans do NOT turn out like I plan. I have decided that my thoughts about reality are not very accurate.


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