I knew it was a bad morning when I walked into the pool.  Disco music blared from the speakers.  I dropped into a defensive crouch.  Follow the anger.  Follow the wash of loneliness and sense of poverty.  Strap on the body armor and grab a .45.  It’s a fire-fight.

While not the slow spiral into a full-blown bipolar episode, a blitz attack brings a sudden reemergence of symptoms.  Many times I wake up irritated, like this morning, then find more irritation and resentment as the day progresses.  I can feel the clarity of the last few days getting muddy.  Thoughts are edgier, darker.  But Bipolar Bad-Ass Training prepared me for just this type of ambush.  I know what to do—Protect the Mission and Save the Girl.

Oops.  Well.  The Girl would be me, but the maxim holds.

This may just be a skirmish, a brief encounter with the Bipolar Bad guys.  One clip and a grenade might do the trick.  Or it could signal the start of another longer battle.  Whichever, the strategy stays the same.  Bring the Observer online to monitor my thinking.  Stay out of my head as much as possible.  Be patient and wait for the shot.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jess
    Apr 21, 2011 @ 09:54:32

    Hi Sandy Sue,

    I just wanted to say that I love Criminal Minds, so great picture! 🙂

    I am sorry that your symptoms are coming back, and I wish you well in your journey. I’ve enjoyed reading about your Bad-Ass Training; I think it’s great.

    Take care,


    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 21, 2011 @ 15:53:19

      Jess, thanks for your kind words.
      Can you believe the CM producers got rid of both J.J. and Prentiss? THEN, added that bland little girl? Somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do!


  2. strugglingwithbipolar
    Apr 22, 2011 @ 08:44:07

    Sandy Sue – I am sorry to see that you are having troubles, but I loved all the analogies and metaphors you used in your post. You put how I feel on the edge of an episode in words that I could have never expressed.

    I am off to check out some more of your Bad-Ass Training posts.



  3. Ashley Erin Almon
    Apr 24, 2011 @ 14:53:56

    I just had a thought, I don’t even know if you take medication. I am “well” medicated, but that doesn’t get rid of my symptoms altogether. I live in a strange limbo that consists of near mania and depression on a daily basis. I don’t think I’ve had day without some type of up or down in the last two years. Reading your “almost” moment, I realize I don’t think I’d know what to do if in the back of my mind I wasn’t constantly keeping myself in check. Odd, I may have found a little blog topic inspiration, cool.


    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 25, 2011 @ 07:09:49

      I finished weaning off all meds in December. From my research, I realized that it was my medications that triggered my rapid cycling and made both my depression and mania much worse. I was lucky enough to have a shrink who supported me.

      I have to constantly monitor myself, too, but I’m developing longer “stable” periods. Unfortunately, my episodes are longer now, too. Since I’m so recently “clean,” I figure there’s going to be a lot more shifting to go through. It’s an adventure!


  4. Ashley Erin Almon
    Apr 25, 2011 @ 20:43:47

    Shifting, such a constant in my life….. I have always used the word change but I like the word shift. I love my shrink I’m glad yours is supportive! I consider mine a collaborator we work together and I realized recently that I am extremely lucky when it comes to my relationship with her. I think you are very brave the way you have accepted reality, major respect vibes coming your way thank you for writing your way into my life. It’s a Grand Adventure, keep it up!


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