Post Apocalypse

So, I’m in the process of “bouncing back” from my recent depressive episode, but something’s changed.  I feel a little like an apocalypse survivor this time around—harder, more jaded, a bigger pump-action rifle in my hand.  If I smoked, I’d be squinting through the fumes.  There’s a desire to cut through all bullshit, drop pretense, leave behind everything and everyone that’s not absolutely essential.  Playtime is over.

This business of living, of making something out of the time we have on this planet, is not for weenies or muling wanna-bees.  Marcus Aurelius said, “The art of living is more like that of wrestling than of dancing; the main thing is to stand firm and be ready for an unseen attack.”  I think this philosophy applies even more to those of us with mental illness, because the attack comes from within.  We have to be ready.  We have to be trained and conditioned.  We have to practice maneuvers.

I’m back in training.  I don’t know what that means yet, but I’ll let you know.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Josh
    Apr 18, 2011 @ 06:07:28

    Sandy Sue,
    I have to be honest and say, it seems like you are very determined, which is great, but I also sense, tough love on yourself. Yes, sometimes we need to take a stand with our thoughts or actions, but we also need to be kind to ourselves, as well. I hope you don’t find this offensive, it’s certainly not meant that way.

    Warm Wishes,
    Josh 🙂

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Apr 18, 2011 @ 07:17:19

      Oh, gosh no! Bring it on!
      I actually thought of one of your posts when I wrote this, about how you tend to either STOP or GO. I’m in that GO mode, but it’s different this time. I feel clearer, leaner, meaner. I actually feel like I’m loving myself a lot by being my own savior/warrior princess. I used to have a poster from the movie “Aliens”. Ripley held a massive torpedo launcher in one arm and a little girl in the other. I feel sorta like that.

      Reply

  2. Kitty
    Apr 18, 2011 @ 08:50:50

    It sounds like you found a few really big, kick-ass tools for your tool box! I think a big part of the reason the Borg said, “Resistance is futile” is because it made the weenies (the ones who believed them) give up easier. I mean, maybe they were big and tough, but it’s still worth a fight, don’t you think? I guess that’s how I feel about depression. I don’t remember a time in my life when depression (or the coming threat thereof) wasn’t part of my reality. And it will be part of my reality forever, so there might be a tendency to just give up. But by God, I’m not going down with a fight! And I really want one of those pump-action rifles… metaphorically speaking, of course.

    It just came to me that maybe this experience feels different because you are now doing it without medicine. Maybe medicine masked some of this stuff… maybe it made you “not notice” the enemy at the gates… that kind of thing. So now, you are awake and aware and building your arsenal right out of your guts! I mean, seriously, look at her face. Would you mess with her?! Bipolar beware, there are no weenies here.

    Reply

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