Designation “Lost Cause”

My friend, Lily, has said many times, “Sometimes, all you can do is hang on.”  Once I figured out today was one of those days, I actually felt better.  It took time, though.  I went to the Y and struggled through 90 minutes of water aerobics, then felt exhausted and sick.  I went to my coffee shop determined to work on my Callinda rewrites and could barely hold a pen.  Instead, I wrote in my journal and dug through the slop of my thoughts.

What I found was an abundance of despair and hopelessness.  Like poltergeists, they whispered unintelligibly in my ear.  They created a bleak white noise that made clear thought impossible.  But once I identified them, I knew what to do.  I had to designate today a lost cause and focus exclusively on distracting my attention from the ghoulish nattering in my head.  All projects got pushed aside.  All plans became tentative.

I went to Family Video and rented the first season of Fringe, made a box of Kraft Maccaroni and Cheese, gathered the kitty-boys, and camped out in my comfy chair.  The day passed.  I went to friends’ for dinner.  This is something I do every Monday night, but it was hard to leave my chair, hard to go out in the world, hard to act like I was engaged in their conversation.  Lost Cause days make the simplest acts into obstacles.  I always forget that.

Lily has said that sometimes the best we can hope for is to not make our situation worse, not hurt ourselves.  I think I managed that today.  I will do what I can to get a good night’s sleep and see what tomorrow brings.  Because, in the words of the great philosopher, Scarlett O’Hara, “Tomorrow is another day.”

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitty
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 22:00:08

    Mercy… What a kind word, especially when applied to the self.

    Reply

  2. agitatedturmoil
    Apr 11, 2011 @ 22:20:43

    Amen to Scarlett’s immortal words! Lost cause day is a brilliant idea. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

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