White Knuckle Day

Nothing pithy today.  No insights.  No space yet between me and my naggity thoughts.

My body aches.  My guts feel moldy.  My twisted leg fights the splint on my foot and shoots pain every which way.  I can’t shower.  I can’t exercise.  I’m completely discombobulated.

It’s payday, and that’s always a sigh of relief, a staggering lunge over the finish line.  But, today a hospital I slept in three years ago called and wants money.   Some number cruncher in accounting found a three-year old outstanding balance for $250.  Such a small amount, but it will take me months to pay it.  Instead of sighing relief, I gulp and choke as the undertow grabs me again.

Fog and funk stink up my brain.  I want to sleep through today.  I want to slip into fantasy and let superheros take care of me.  I want to be someone else, anyone else.

It’s a White Knuckle Day.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitty
    Mar 03, 2011 @ 15:00:25

    I hate when that happens! All of it. This is that shit they say about… “If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you strong.” And it will… right after it stops feeling like it’s gonna kill you. I think this blog is one of your greatest tools right now… and it is a proof of how far you’ve come. Not only can you get through this White Knuckle Day… You are able to write through it in real time. How cool is that! And by sharing with us, you remind us of how to get through our next White Knuckle Day!

    Thank you, Sandy! Love you, Subby!


  2. Fiddle gal
    Mar 03, 2011 @ 21:37:48

    Sandy, blessings on this day, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Thanks for sharing with us.


  3. Richard Olson
    Mar 04, 2011 @ 01:20:24

    I enjoy your writing. It leads me to question my own behaviours and wonder which choices I make are mine and which are the disease. If I look more carefully my disease is just better hidden, but the social deficit is right out there in the open. When I chose to be social I make limited contact not raising the manic into action. People that know my penchant for excess crave for me to “turn it on.” I don’t. I know the consequences. I live the flat Earth existance leveled by Geodon, lithium and Atavan. It gets me though but is not pleasant or interesting. I have other means of excitement that stay out of the scrutiny of the man. I hope you find your own.


    • Sandy Sue
      Mar 04, 2011 @ 08:26:14

      It sounds like you work on staying present, which is all we can do. What’s the difference between better hidden and better managed? I wonder…
      And I agree about Flat Earth–it can be REAL boring. When I’m aware enough to look at my boredom, I usually find resistance and wanting underneath the surface. And then I have a whole bunch to play with!


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