The Secret Compulsion

If compulsive eating makes up one leg on my tripod of avoidance behavior, and compulsive spending the second leg, then sex comprises the third.  It seems to be the tricksiest of my pathological triumvirate, with knots of stringy history wrapped around Cosmic dryer lint.  It carries more shame and more secretiveness than the other two, which makes it more powerful.

From the first time I thought about suicide at age eleven, I believed I’d never survive in the world without a Hero.  At the time, I had no words to describe this feeling, but I didn’t need words to start my Search.  My Holy Grail was the Savior, the Champion, the man who would see how broken I was and put me back together.

I felt a deep wanting, an empty cup in my soul.  If I could only be loved enough, I thought, then the cup would be filled.  Sometimes my desire for love was overwhelming, sometimes it was the compulsion to eat or spend money.  The problem wasn’t the lack of these things, it was the empty cup.  The cup was indiscriminate.  It didn’t care what fed it as long as it got fed.

Over time, I’ve learned the cup itself is an illusion.  Wanting, when it comes, rises out of fear, which becomes something The Observer watches.  The twisted thoughts that tell me I’ll be alone for the rest of my life can be seen, held gently, and untwisted to find the error.  Loneliness, the Dark Sister of sexual desire, reminds me to breathe and Watch.  She leads me back to my true self where I am my own hero.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kitty
    Feb 24, 2011 @ 22:49:18

    An interesting thought crossed my mind as I read your description of “the empty cup… It didn’t care what fed it as long as it got fed.” Sounds a bit like the ego, doesn’t it? I’m not sure why yet, since I’m writing this response in real time and haven’t let your words or my thoughts sink in yet… but I know that my ego is sneaky and I know that it doesn’t care what feeds it as long as it gets fed. Hmmm… something new to ponder.

    For me, it’s never been about the sex, per se… it’s about getting the attention… it’s about making the fear and loneliness fade, even if just for a while. Sex is just what you do to keep the man’s attention long enough… So I can get a fix. He gets laid and I get to feel “connected” for a bit. A fair exchange, I suppose. None of it is done with the intention of being hurtful… and the truth is that a lot of men are perfectly content being “fed upon” in this way.

    Why is it so hard for us, as women, to see ourselves as the Hero? There is a female Commander in that video clip and I’ll bet she saved the lives of many… and I’ll bet that sometimes she cried. Women are the Hero so often and in so many ways, but we seldom see it in ourselves… and therefore, we pretend it doesn’t really exist. So we look outside… we look for Jean-Luc. But Jean-Luc needs connection too… Jean-Luc needs a Hero that is different than the Hero he sees in himself. It is not wrong to seek connection with the other… unless we do not first seek connection with The Self.


  2. Kitty
    Feb 25, 2011 @ 10:39:26

    Having thought a bit more about the ego comment… My understanding of the ego is that it was meant to be an interpreter of the Earth plane, the physical experience… but it seeks, and often achieves, control and then it leads us into places we don’t want to go. I suppose that some of this is due to the fact that it is so connected to the physical, so it wants us to stay there. It knows it cannot maintain control when we are closely aligned with Spirit, so best to keep us away from there. For this reason, it behooves the ego to keep us off-balance… so we cannot align with Spirit. To do this, it will cut us off at the knees!

    The strong connection with the physical takes us into mind and body, but without the guidance of Spirit and Intuition. This is when we go toward the obsessions with physical things… eating as a form of self-soothing, spending money in an attempt to relieve our belief that we are lacking and sex that is not true connection… things like that… the list is long and varied. Spirit, on the other hand, knows that we are Whole and Complete without all those things and when we stay connected to the Divine, the ego whines like a spoiled child. We must learn to let it whine, if it must, and keep the Connection. Not an easy task.

    “Reality is free: It’s the Illusion you have to pay for.”


    • Sandy Sue
      Feb 25, 2011 @ 15:21:18

      My take on ego, or personality, is a little different, but both apply I think. I learned that ego developed as a survival mechanism long ago on the evolutionary ladder. It’s set up to place us in Time with a past and a future, and to align us with the consensus reality. This was to make us all good little tribe monkeys. We learned what was necessary for survival—procuring and protecting what was ours, including mates. Deviation meant death, so that wasn’t allowed. Pain=Bad. Pleasure=Good. This is still our Operating System, programmed long ago in our tiny reptilian brains, but now we get to rewrite the software.


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