Feeding Frenzy

At some point in my childhood, I figured out that food could ease the immediate pain of my mood swings.  Not just any old tidbit, though.  It had to be  the good stuff—high fat, high sugar stuff.  I don’t know when self-medication turned into compulsion—early on, I think.  I’ve followed every diet, read every book on compulsive eating and food addiction, joined support groups, monitored, weighed and measured, looked for the psychological pain behind the eating, used willpower, relied on God and still when the Feeding Frenzy rises up out of the Swamp, I cannot stop it.

This winter I launched another effort to hamstring the monster.  I started keeping track of my calories in and out, I beefed up my routine at the Y to include some cardio and strength training along with my water aerobics classes.  I faithfully followed Geneen Roth’s Eating Guidelines in her book Women, Food and God.  I bought healthy groceries, prepared healthy meals, ate healthy snacks.  I bought Bob Greene’s book (he of Oprah fame), The Life You Want and Marianne Williamson’s book, A Course in Weight Loss.  I went to The Haven and faithfully worked through the books’ exercises with the hope that I’ll finally find The Answer.

Unfortunately, no-one has ever addressed the combination of food addiction and mental illness.  Sigh.  The most these authors will say is if you have a mental illness, get it treated.  Duh.  I was on medication, fellas, and gained another 100 pounds.  Medical treatment doesn’t seem to be The Answer, either.

So, okay, I can’t let that be an excuse for giving up on all the Paths to A Slimmer, Happier You promised in these books.  So what if no-one can explain why, when the Feeding Frenzy strikes, I would eat my cat if he had ice cream on his head.  So what if I can follow all the rules when Calm and Steady Mind is in residence, but when the depression moves in I jump in my car when it’s below zero and zip to Kwik Star for Cheetos and Ben & Jerry’s.

Something Marianne Williamson said in her book seems true for me.  All the self-knowledge in the world won’t fix this.

What’s left after self-knowledge, willpower and “good choices” is beyond Time/Space, or at least, it’s beyond my experience and the collective experience of experts in this field.  There has to be another way, a simple way, a solution so easy and profound I’ll laugh when I get to it.  I believe it has to do with alignment, but more than that, I don’t know.

So, while I explore, I’ll do what I can and be gentle with myself.  I’ll do all the right things when Calm and Steady Mind shows up, and I’ll do my best when it gets preempted.

And I’ll keep you posted.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fiddle gal
    Feb 09, 2011 @ 07:54:24

    Good morning. I find that I also have these binge tendencies. I can do well for a couple weeks and then I eat everything in sight, even to the point of my stomach hurting and feeling awful. Then I go into self loathing. What I do know from having quit smoking, finally after many years of similar behavior with that is, that eventually I quit. I just kept at it, I would smoke, stop and smoke and stop until one day I stopped. Maybe binge eating will eventually let go also. I have not figured this out yet. I too have read every book on the subject. It’s the middle of winter who isn’t craving sunshine and warm winds since we can’t have that how about a bag of cookies, that is my binge food, it is about the crunch and sweetness for me. Blessings.

    Reply

  2. Linda
    Feb 09, 2011 @ 19:34:30

    Thanks for sharing Sandy. I can’t figure out the why either. I can go all day and be good, just munching on crackers, soup and 7-up, and then I get a “Hey, let’s go out for dinner” call and all my good intentions go out the window (that was today’s diet…:O) Alignment huh? Care to talk a bit more about that? I’m curious what you mean.
    Peace Baby!

    Reply

    • Sandy Sue
      Feb 09, 2011 @ 22:45:25

      I’m not exactly sure myself. My feeling is that there’s some kind of psychic/energetic chiropractic type of adjustment that could be made. I’ve made an appointment with a Body Talk healer in Des Moines. Three friends of mine have worked with her and said there’s new information “coming in” about mental illness. Channeling? Some form of kinesiology? A download from the Akashic Records? I see her March 4th, so I’ll be sure to report on what happens.

      Reply

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