The Eye of God

collage art, hand-made greeting cards

• • •

The eye opens seeing old men, women and children.  The eye opens seeing gods, flesh, vapors.  the eye recalls the beauty of the ordinary.  it sees me, therefore I am.  As such are we all created.  It watches and pierces the heart.  Who knows its name?  Call it love, creating, conspiracy.  Call it an impossible sky hung with moons and stars.  It is yesterday or tomorrow, a million years travelling.  The sun circles and the hawk.  We follow a flow.  Thus looked upon, the world receives its god.

I lived in the delta in a house of mud when I first felt its glance.  I lived in its fire and never knew.  I was asleep, dreaming blue dreams in the egg of the world.  The eye opened and closed, blinking once perhaps as it does every million years, and I came from unknowing into knowing.  I left my hut yawning.  I was naked in a bed of light.  I shone like day.  I opened like a purple flower at dawn.

I am in the eye of god, resting in its blue orb.  Golden eyelids encircle me.  Eyelashes grow like stalks of dark truth.  I see what I never dared—beyond the bucket banging the well, beyond mountains pushing up dirt.  Light shimmers in every blade of grass, gods dance in every leaf, blue and gold fires leap from my pores.  I shine in and out of life.

A thousand forms have I, wholly mine—man and hawk, sycamore, lotus and fig.  I please myself to be born and to die over again. I walk a flowered path bordered by a million years.  Season to season I change as a leaf greening.  I flow as blood through flesh.  The eye opens and closes, and then…

What lives in the gods and rivers lives in me, parts of the whole, one in One.  I take my journey seriously.  I’ve seen mountains, deserts and seas.  Going nowhere one morning I suddenly entered heaven.  I opened its door and passed through.  I stood on polished floors and understood heaven no better there than while I was planting corn.  Then I laughed; in that was truth.

Does the world die with me when I sleep?  It seems so.  I wake in the morning and it is born again—my wife, my children, my cattle, the stars.  There are times in the day when I forget her, then seeing her pass, a jug of water on one hip, she is born in me and love rises.

All things are one beheld in the eye of god.  We are his bodies.  His time moves in our bellies.  There is no season in which heaven does not hold the shape of its beloved, no time in which the earth does not sing.  Under the sun, flamingos nod and bow and walk, Birds of the air spin in countless exhaled breaths.  We are growing, remembering, forgetting, becoming.  The many are one face changing expression.

The eye is everywhere.  There is no act it does not see, no desire it can not hold, no secret that can not be known.  The heavens speak.  The flame bursts on your cheeks.  Things are possible.  In a moment we live a million years, a thousand lives in a breath.

Behold the eye that holds you.  Without hands, it made you.  You will be its hands.  Without tongue, you become its tongue.  Your work is its will.  If what you make—your body, your love, your peace—is good, it shall be looked on by gods and endure forever.

When the eye opens, I look back.

From Awakening Osiris: the Egyptian Book of the Dead;  Translated by Normandi Ellis

A Head-Scratcher

handmade greeting card, collage art

♦ ♦ ♦

I don’t have the words.

This is not a problem that often comes up for me.  Lucid, delusional, manic or morbid, I can generally put words to the experience.  Not this time.

I’m not in exactly the same state as before I went to the hospital, but I’m not far from it.  The stressors that sent me scrambling for help are still in place and still unresolvable.  Tried and true tools for getting back on the Bipolar Bad-Ass track don’t work any more (or at least aren’t working now).  Instead, older, unhealthy coping mechanisms are in play, and I drift through the day in exhausted apathy.  Or my frequent blasts of anger turn me into someone I don’t recognize—defensive, bitter, paranoid, hateful.

I’m stumped.  I don’t have a map for this place.  I feel like I’m not asking the right questions or turning my face in the wrong direction.

By the time I got into the Partial Hospital Program (PHP), I’d decided solitude was the best option for me.  My people skills had deteriorated to utter confusion.  I was lonely, but the dangers and disappointments in connecting with others were too high a price.  I knew this wasn’t the healthiest choice, but I couldn’t see a way around it.

In PHP, we talked about relationships, boundaries and community.  My resolution to keep people at a distance had to be reconsidered.  The counselors said the five people you spend the most time with are who you end up becoming.  They asked us to look at who we hang out with, if they were our role models, and if not to think about who we would like to become.

I took that to heart when I came home and reached out to people I admire.  Every day I spend time with those lovely friends, or talk to them, or arrange dates for another time.  It’s incredibly hard work.

But the PHP staff was right.  My heroes lift me up.  They mirror my best back at me.  Their light and laughter part the clouds in a truly biblical way.  Still, there’s trauma in shaking loose of the folks I don’t want to become—the glass-half-empty folks.  I’m just trying to spend more time with my heroes, not reject the others.

I don’t know how to do this, either.  I’m fumbling around in the dark, banging my shin on the furniture and stepping on the cats.  Worst yet, I don’t have the words to frame this weird, new place.  I’m called to be patient, to keep moving through alien terrain until I learn the language, until I can decipher the code.  I’m uncomfortable, and frightened and angry.  But I must try to wait.  Just wait.

Perhaps

Tiger“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Reblogged from Flowers, Trees and Other Such Gifts of Nature

The Oak Tree at the Entrance to Blackwater Pond

handmade greeting cards, collage art, tree

Every day

on my way to the pond

I pass the lightning-felled,

chesty,

hundred-fingered, black oak

which, summers ago,

swam forward when the storm

·

laid one lean yellow wand against it, smoking it open

to its rosy heart.

It dropped down

in a veil of rain,

in a cloud of sap and fire,

and became what it has been ever since—

a black boat

floating

in the tossing leaves of summer,

·

like the coffin of Osiris

descending

upon the cloudy Nile.

But, listen, I’m tired of that brazen promise:

death and resurrection.

I’m tired of hearing how the nitrogens will return

to the earth again,

through the hinterland of patience—

how the mushrooms and the yeasts

will arrive in the wind—

how they’ll anchor the pearls of their bodies and begin

to gnaw through the darkness,

like wolves at bones—

·

what I loved, I mean, was that tree—

tree of the moment—tree of my own sad, mortal heart—

and I don’t want to sing anymore of the way

·

Osiris came home at last, on a clean

and powerful ship, over

the dangerous sea, as a tall

and beautiful stranger.

—Mary Oliver

Poem

Sad Smile

◊ ◊ ◊

I am terrified

by this dark thing

That sleeps in me;

All day I feel its

feathery turnings,

its malignity.

—Sylvia Plath

Spring

handmade greeting card, collage art

·

Somewhere

a black bear

has just risen from sleep

and is staring

·

down the mountain.

All night

in the brisk and shallow restlessness

of early spring

·

I think of her,

her four black fists

flicking the gravel,

her tongue

·

like a red fire

touching the grass,

the cold water.

There is only one question:

·

how to love this world.

I think of her

rising

like a black and leafy ledge

·

to sharpen her claws against

the silence

of the trees.

Whatever else

·

my life is

with its poems

and its music

and its glass cities,

·

it is also this dazzling darkness

coming

down the mountain,

breathing and tasting;

·

all day I think of her—

her white teeth,

her wordlessness,

her perfect love.

·

—Mary Oliver

Freshly Pegged

handmade greeting card, collage artFame!  Fortune!  Or at least a few readers!  That’s all any blogger really wants.  In our insecure, attention-starved way, all we’re really looking for is a cyber pat on the head.

WordPress, the Tyrant of my particular brand of blogging, features posts determined worthy on their FreshPressed page.  Posts there garner thousands of hits in a day.  It is the bloggy equivalent to winning the Publishers Clearing House (how I long to fall on the floor with that big check clutched to my chest like other winners!)  It’s the Holy Grail of WordPressers.

None of us in the trenches can quite figure out the criteria—content? graphics? brand of chocolate used in bribery?  We debate, and fiddle, and share recipes for success (Bobby Jo wrote about sex, Justin Bieber, and Pop Tarts with 37 tags and 42 pictures and got Fresh Pressed immediately!).  Honestly, though, I don’t think too much about it (ahem).  I’m happy to support my other blogging friends as they make the front page (grrr).

But, there is a Champion for the UnFreshly Pressed, Friend to All who toil in the Unremarkable Slop of Everyday Posts.  Lady Peg of Peg-o-leg’s Ramblings started a guest blogger series a few weeks back called THIS One Should Have Been Freshly Pressed.  Here, she shines light on all the worthies forsaken by The Man.

freshlypegged2

And I, humble scribe that I am, have been chosen.  I have been Freshly Pegged.

Please, do click on Freshly Pegged—A Mind Divided to read my “Rooster in the Road.”  Leave comments.  Sample other posts pulled from bloggy obscurity.  Join the revolution to pull the masses out from under the WordPress boot!

Vive la Peg!

To This Day

Winner of the Individual Championship title in the Canadian National Poetry Slam, Shane Koyczan offers this moving, wrenching, glorious tribute to kids who grew up bullied.  First, with his personalized introduction, then with the Slam, he pins all of us who still feel different with word arrows straight through the heart.  Like David said when he posted this on Lead.Learn.Live., you’ll think you don’t have 12 minutes to spare to listen to this.  Then, you’ll want more.

Little Owl Who Lives in the Orchard

handmade greeting card, collage art

His beak could open a bottle,

and his eyes—when he lifts their soft lids—

go on reading something

just beyond your shoulder—

Blake, maybe,

or the Book of Revelation.

·

Never mind that he eats only

the black-smocked crickets,

and dragonflies if they happen

to be out late over the ponds, and of course

the occasional festal mouse.

Never mind that he is only a memo

from the offices of fear—

·

it’s not size but surge that tells us

when we’re in touch with something real,

and when I hear him in the orchard

fluttering

down the little aluminum

ladder of his scream—

when I see his wings open, like two black ferns,

·

a flurry of palpitations

as cold as sleet

rackets across the marshlands

of my heart,

like a wild spring day.

·

Somewhere in the universe,

in the gallery of important things,

the babyish owl, ruffled and rakish,

sits on its pedestal.

Dear, dark dapple of plush!

A message, reads the label,

from that mysterious conglomerate:

Oblivion and Co.

The hooked head stares

from its blouse of dark, feather lace.

It could be a valentine.

—Mary Oliver

Where Everything is Music

handmade greeting card, collage artI hardly recognize myself.  Twelve days of clear skies and mental calm seas.  Fourteen days since the last time my illness made me jump in the truck and escape to the movies.  I get up, go to the Y and come home to my own table with my own chai.  A few weeks ago, the thought of living without a coffee shop would have made me weep with grief.  Now, it’s nothing.  Nothing.

I come home and journal with my own chai, work on my manuscript as easily as I type this.  No angst, no sharp hooks of remembered pain when I enter the old journals.  Just typing.

I prepare a hearty lunch of sautéed vegetables and pasta.  I cook every day.  Cook with pleasure.  A few weeks ago the idea of cooking filled me with terror.  Now, it’s nothing.  Nothing.

There’s a bone-deep satisfaction in all I’m doing, how I can choose to stay home, prepare my meals, walk to the Y.  I’m saving money.  Me.  When only a few weeks ago I didn’t know how I would survive to the end of the month.  The strangle-hold of poverty let go.  In this place of gentle weather, I have enough, and I can make this choice to set money aside for my car fund.  A choice.  I have a choice.

In the afternoons, I go back to the Y and walk with my iPod.  The music pulls the day together—the work, the pleasure, the satisfaction all flow into my feet and my swinging arms.  Here I am.

I go home to make a card, blend a fruit smoothie, and sit with Jane Austen.  The cats gather.  Night grows deeper.  We listen to the music singing us, so quiet and calm.  And it’s nothing.  Nothing.

• • •

Dont’ worry about saving these song!

And if one of our instruments breaks,

it doesn’t matter.

·

We have fallen into the place

where everything is music.

·

The strumming and the flute notes

rise into the atmosphere,

and even if the whole world’s harp

should burn up, there will still be

hidden instruments playing.

·

So the candle flickers and goes out.

We have a piece of flint, and a spark.

·

This singing art is sea foam.

The graceful movements come from a pearl

somewhere on the ocean floor.

·

Poems reach up like spindrift and the edge

of driftwood along the beach, wanting!

·

They derive

from a slow and powerful root

that we can’t see.

·

Stop the words now.

Open the window in the center of your chest,

and let the spirits fly in and out.

—Rumi

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