A Small Life

handmade greeting card, collage artI met a friend the other day for coffee.  It’s a rare occurrence these days what with my Zero Money Initiative.  I felt rather posh, actually, pumping the Sugar Free Vanilla Syrup.  Simple pleasures.

My friend was in town with the sad task of attending to his late mother’s estate, so we talked about executor duties and sorting through a lifetime of accumulated stuff.  But, he needed distraction from all that, so we quickly moved on to other topics.

What I discovered while talking to him is that I don’t know much about the wide world anymore.  I don’t read the newspaper or watch TV.  The only news I see is what zips by on Yahoo as I scroll through to my email.  To keep my stress low, I avoid unpleasantness such as last week’s discussion topic at our Unitarian Universalist gathering on Human Trafficking.  I have enough horror in my life as it is.

As my friend and I talked about Illegal Immigration and The Economy, I wondered for a bit if I was failing in my duty as a citizen, if I should try harder to keep up with current events.  But, really, does anything change that much?  There’s a war somewhere—probably more than one.  There are groups and individuals doing horrific things to other groups and individuals.  Congress must be fighting over something or other.  And I’m sure we’ve discovered new and exciting things in space and in scientific research.  People carry out kind and inspirational acts in obscurity.  The environment is still threatened.  Babies still get themselves born.  I don’t think I’m missing all that much.

Talking with my friend did show me how the parameters of my life have shrunk.  I move mostly within a few blocks of my apartment, with occasional excursions farther afield, and the now-rare trek to The Big City.  I spend most of my time alone, with a daily dose of polite chit-chat at the Y or the library.  I facilitate my two meditation groups and plan one or two deeper interactions with friends or family a week.

I exercise, eat, write, make a little art, watch some DVDs from the library, and read.  I talk to my cats.  I put gas in my truck and get groceries.  I look at the stars at night, and I listen to the rain on the sidewalk.  I don’t really go anywhere or do anything.  And that’s just fine.

I used to miss doing stuff—going to concerts and plays, eating at interesting restaurants, taking classes.  I used to worry about being “productive,” about contributing to society and finding meaningful work.  I used to gobble up information.  I used to crave interesting people with views and lifestyles different from mine.  I used to want a lot more.

With a small life, much of the wanting falls away.  At least it has lately.  And without the wanting or the stress of a larger life, my rapid cycling seems to find equilibrium a little easier.  The cycles still happen, and the symptoms are just as rabid, but I’m granted a little more time to breathe between swings.  Who knew that simplifying to the point of nothing might be the best strategy?

Well, I guess those Zen monks knew.  But, who wanted to listen to them?

It Takes A Village

handmand greeting card, collage artMichelle’s post today in The Green Study got me thinking.  She focused on how easy it is to over-share in blogs and wondered if it’s all just naval-gazing from self-absorbed recluses.

Well, that would be me.

My gazing tends to point farther north to what’s in my skull, but I am self-absorbed and self-centered.  I justify this by reminding myself that most people with my flavor of bipolar disorder are living in group homes or institutionalized.  Self-absorption or self-preservation, I can’t tell the difference any more.

The recluse part of me is something I’ve started reframing as healthy instead of pathological.  For years I’ve heard how “telling” it was when I isolated, cut myself off from others, quite reaching out, and turned down social engagements.  My health posse at the time would panic, remove all sharp objects and count the pills in my bottles.  They had good reason.  I did try it once.

But, I’m discovering the joys of reclusiveness.  Well, not joy exactly.  Peace is better descriptor.

People wear me out.  Yesterday on my walk around the neighborhood, I saw a little girl (who didn’t know any better) tease a puppy that was tied to a stake.  She didn’t hurt the puppy, but I could hear the meanness in her preschool voice and the pitiful whine of the puppy.  It made me sick and scared, and I hated myself for not doing something about it.  Something gentle.  Something as easy as walking across the street to talk to her and lay a calm hand on the puppy’s head.  But, I didn’t do that.  I walked faster.

When got home, I was sad and tired, disappointed in myself, and could feel my mood slip/slide like ice over black water.  I made a pizza, plugged in an episode of Fringe, and put on my nightgown—done with the outside world and with people.  Then, my doorbell rang.

A casual friend from swim class and also from my meditation group ferreted out where I lived by Sherlockian means—knowing my truck, seeing where it was parked in the apartment lot, peeking at the collaged sign on my front door.  She was hesitant, cautious about showing up unannounced.  She said she had something for me.

It’s always disconcerting when someone rings my doorbell.  Firstly, it’s rare.  Secondly, it’s usually politicians or the landlord.  Thirdly, I’m usually in my nightie.  My little apartment is private space where Henry, Emmett and I weave a cocoon of safety.  Company jangles us.  I may not dash under the bed like Emmett, or growl like Henry when the doorbell rings, but I understand the sentiment.  Still, I try to shift gears and put on a welcoming face.

My friend came back from the parking lot with a big box.  She said her mother ran a food bank in a neighboring county.  ”I told her about you,” my friend said, “that you live on Disability and don’t have a pot to piss in.  So, Mom packed a box for you.  I hope you’re not offended.”

What is a person to do with such startling kindness?  I took the box, thanked her, introduced her to Henry and Emmett (who didn’t dive under the bed), thanked her again, and watched her leave.  I stood in my kitchen, touching the box, feeling my friend’s true regard and care.

handmade greeting cards, collage artThere are people in my life who love me, but there are others who actually like me.  They value me (their word, not mine).  They want to support me and are generous and bold in their affection.  I don’t say this because I think I’m unloveable or valueless.  When folks first get to know me, they usually like me—I’m not without a certain amount of charm—but, generally, it doesn’t last.

If folks hang around long enough or get closer, the bipolarness sours their regard.  Rage, judgment, neediness, inconsistency, intolerance have chased away friends and family.  Shutters bang closed over their faces and conversation floats on the surface like dead fish.  I wanted to say to this new friend, “Thank you so much for your gift, but if you get any closer your sweet desire to be of service will shrivel up and die.”

But, I didn’t, because, sometimes, it doesn’t shrivel up and die. Sometimes, people get their bearings and decide the hassle of me is worth it (also their words, not mine).  Sometimes they’re willing to dance with me until we find our rhythm.  I have a precious few who reaffirm their commitment when I get in this mood, who will stick with me when society at large is too jarring.

People are hard.  I’m hard.  The effort it takes to balance naval-gazing with true personal interaction seems herculean at times.  But, we make these gestures of love at each other, little acts of kindness, drive-by thoughtfulness.  So, I guess I’ll keep blogging about both—the belly button lint and the food boxes.  And maybe on my next walk around the block, I’ll be able to squat down by the little girl and pet her puppy.

If You Know Someone

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Image

Inside the Distortion

handmade cards, collage art, Leonard NimoyJournal Entry:                   Monday December 3, 2012

I’m in a weird purgatorial place, full of angst and thrashing against my life.  Yesterday, Penny rescued me.  We went to Des Moines after Fellowship—shopped, went to Hu Hot, laughed and had real conversation.  She talked about what a gift I was to her and Karen, how much I benefit their lives and what I give to others.  It made me cry.  Makes me cry now.  I feel so lost.  It’s not that I think I’m worthless.  I know I’m skilled and offer something of value.  And I know that’s important and necessary for my own wellbeing.

But, it’s not enough.

It’s not enough to beat back the darkness.  It’s not enough to stop the wanting.  It’s not enough to fill the hole.

Last night before bed, I ticked off my blessings for the day.  When I came to Penny, I was thankful for this honeymoon period of friendship—before I screw it up like I have all my other relationships.  I haven’t hurt her too badly yet, broken her trust or lied to her.  I haven’t scared her too much yet, or dragged her through a suicide attempt.  I haven’t strangled her with neediness or used up her generosity.

But it will come.  It always comes.  The craziness goes a little too far, my ability to rein it in slips a little too much.  The balance sheet tips and there’s a realization that the price of keeping me in a person’s life is too high.

How do I keep living this life?  How can I keep losing everyone?  I know my thinking is twisted now.  This will pass as the moods always pass.  But what’s left?  What’s underneath?  What’s constant?  Is there something in me that does more than survive?  A part that does more than just hang on to the guard rail?  How do I keep living like this?  How do I keep wanting to?

All Four Seasons

This is for all my bipolar girlfriends out there, hoping you have someone to sing this to you.

♠ ♣ ♥ ♦

With her smile as sweet as a warm wind in summer
She’s got me flying like a bird in a bright June sky
And then just when she thinks that I’ve got her number
Brings me down to the ground with her wintry eye
That’s my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

And when the nighttime comes with no interference
To our warm summer love with all it’s charms
But like a thoroughbred horse she can turn on a sixpence
And I find that I’m back in Mistress Winter’s arms
That’s my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

How will I know?
How can I tell?
Which side of the bed she takes when the day begins
She can be kind
She can be cruel
She’s got me guessing like a game show fool

She can change her mind like she changes her sweaters
From one minute to the next it’s hard to tell
She blows hot and cold just like stormy weather
She’s my gift from the Lord or a fiend from hell
That’s my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

Watching the weatherman’s been no good at all
Winter, spring, summer, I’m bound for a fall
There are no long term predictions for my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

How will I know?
How can I tell?
Which side of the bed she takes when the day begins
She can be kind
She can be cruel
She’s got me guessing like a game show fool

If it’s a sunny day I take my umbrella
Just in case the raindrops start to fall
You could say that I’m just a cautious fellow
I don’t want to be caught in a sudden squall
That’s my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day
That’s my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

—Sting

Sting

Strange, New Worlds

Spock, Princess Leia

Thanks to my marketing guru, Rob, I’ve started a Pinterest board.  Since I’m not a social networking-kinda gal, I’m not quite sure what the hub-bub is.  But, Kana has talked about her board, which is amazing, so I took the plunge.

I had a bad day yesterday, bipolar-wise, and putting this site together was a healthy distraction.  Not that I didn’t eat crap, too, or hide in my apartment, but it could have been worse.

It seems like Pinterest is where you can go to dream and throw up those dreams for the Universe to see.  Sort of like affirmations or a Vision Board.  I like that.  The internet certainly gives a person tons more images to choose from than magazines, though I like the process of cutting out the words and pictures and laying them out.

But I’m hip to try this new way of dreaming.

Gosh, someday I may even take another crack at Facebook!

The Intimate Strangers of Blogland

Ever since my friend Kathy at Reinventing the Event Horizon wrote about meeting people she’d only known through blogging, I’ve been dreaming about doing the same.  There’s a unique intimacy created through blogging.  One opens the heart, either to share ourselves or to address the beauty discovered in others’ posts.  People touch us with their words, their humor, their choices of images and music.  We see ourselves in them.  We feel heard and recognized.  Through this unique dialogue, we find ourselves falling in love with strangers.

So, I imagined a cross-country trek—east to Lexington, LaSalle and Durham; west to Durango and Eagle, Idaho; and overseas to Evelyn in Scotland, Rachel in England and Vivien in the Netherlands.  And those are only the friends who have shared their places of origin.  There are so many more.

I recently spend a few days traveling to Oklahoma with my family.  The official reason for this trip was to visit my nephew, but I was actually on a mission to make my first blog-to-flesh connection.  Lori from Day by Day the Farm Girl Way drove 3 ½ hours to do in person what we do online—share our stories and “love on each other.”  Lori picked me up at my motel, and we spent the next 5 hours breakfasting at the local IHOP, then wandering Main Street and the little antique shops there.

The connection was instantaneous.  We both commented on how comfortable we felt, like old friends who get together every Saturday to natter and share space.  Of course, Lori’s blog enchanted me.  Through it I knew her sensibilities, her deep connection to nature, and her wide-open heart.  But, what I realized was that a person’s blog can only give us a snapshot of the complexities and delights of their soul.  There’s so much more to treasure, so much more to love.

Thank you, Lori, for this first experience of bringing virtual friendship into the material world.  You are as I expected—grace and beauty and love tucked into the Oklahoma countryside.  What a wonderful start to a dream come true.

Scooping the Loop in Bipolar Town

hand-made cards, collage art

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. —Lao Tzu

= = =

Change is hard for me.  I guess it’s hard for most people.  We get comfortable in our routines, settle in and snooze.  Life rolls along in a predictable way that’s soothing and reliable.

Change requires attention, energy, planning, and action.  It shakes us up and makes us re-evaluate everything we’ve taken for granted.  It knocks us out of that fuzzy comfort zone.  Sometimes it’s painful—letting go of ideas, people, places, things we hold dear.  Sometimes it rocks us to the core.

Part of my bipolarness is the need for routine—a generally consistent schedule to my day or week.  My routine comforts me.  It soothes the anxiety and agitation that are constant companions.  It gives me a way to move through the day when that seems impossible.

Also, my routine helps me maintain my priorities and meet my goals.  When the mood swings start looping one after another, it’s hard to move forward.  Routine is like a light over a familiar off-ramp that I can’t see in the dark.  Instead of driving around and around on the Rapid Cycling clover leaf—not able to focus, not able to make a choice about what to do—I can maneuver my car to that off ramp with my routine’s help.  I can keep moving forward, however slowly.

Big changes to my routine can trigger a blow-up of my symptoms.  And, since nothing stays the same except change, I’m discovering I need a strategy to manage those times.

Last week I had to quit my beloved deep water aerobics class.  The routine had changed over the summer from mostly cardio and core work to more arm exercises.  Too much of that makes my bum shoulder worse, so I tried to adjust my workout, ask for help, do my own thing.  But I wasn’t getting the workout my brain needs, so today I went back to the shallow water classes.

I’ve made good friends in the deep water class.  We created a tight community that supported each other.  But I know how important a hard workout is to my brain chemistry and to my over all health.  The decision was excruciating.  Not just because of what I had to give up in the class, but because it mucked up my routine.

Add to that my homelessness in terms of a coffee shop/writing aerie, my conversion to a vegan diet, and developing several new friendships and my routine is pretty much shot to hell.  I know in time I’ll pull together a new structure, but right now I’m free-falling.  And the anxiety that produces keeps me from rational thought.

All I can think of to do today is seek comfort—not the bipolar versions of comfort which are all obsessive-compulsive (though those are really calling to me), but something more useful, healthy and safe.  And if I can’t do that, then maybe I can aim for the least amount of harm in my compulsive behavior.  I’m not sure I can even do that.

I have to hold Lao Tzu’s words as a mantra today.  Let reality be reality.  Let this illness be what it is.  Flow with the changes without resistance.  Breathe.  Eventually, I’ll start to slow down.  Eventually, a new off-ramp will show up with a light bright enough to steer by.  Hold that wheel lightly.  Observe.  Embrace the new road coming—a new life is on the other side.

What Scared Looks Like

I’m scared.

I’ve gone through bad episodes before.  Being a “brittle” bipolar, that’s just a fact of life.  Some I get through with more grace and humor than others.  This isn’t one of those episodes.

Yesterday I completely lost my moorings.  Except for going to the post office and then the grocery store to get binge food, I stayed in my apartment and tried to shut it all down.  Of course that’s not possible.  After nearly fifty years of dealing with bipolar disorder, one would think I’d have figured that out.  Well, I have, but I forget.  And the desperation makes me try one more time.

I woke up screaming in the night.  Nightmares of a big, shadowy man sneaking through my door.  That’s this illness.  A huge black presence that creeps in and does despicable harm.

I’m nearly hysterical thinking I might gain back the weight I’ve lost this year.  I don’t trust my conviction or my strength.  I don’t believe I can really change my life.  I only see the pattern that leads back to fat and crazy.

I don’t believe my new friends are real.  I don’t believe I’ll ever finish my book on my fight with this illness.  I’m terrified that I’m getting worse, remembering the studies I read that said bipolar disorder rots the brain and eventually leaves the patient stupid and demented.

I’m sure the flurry of activity on my new Etsy site was just opening day traffic from everyone I sent an email.  Now it will sink into oblivion, but I fuss and fret over it—making more cards and adding them to the shop, worrying about being fair, trying not to hope and doing it anyway.

Who is this panicky, desperate, tearful woman?  How can I be this petrified and isolated when just a few months ago I was riding the Bad-Ass train to a new and improved life with a cadre of companions?

I am not helpless.  I still have tools, even if they don’t work very well right now.  I’ll get myself to the Y, get in the water, and stay there until something shifts.  I’ll either break down in tears, get furious, or exhaust myself.  Any of those will be better than this jagged hopelessness.  I’ll call my therapist and pour out this jumble so she can help me sort through it.

I’ll go to a different cafe and journal.  I don’t think I can bear going to Haven anymore, even though they won’t close for another month.  The stink of failure and sadness is stronger than the coffee now.

I’ll get outside and walk with my iPod draped over my neck in the cozy I made out of a sock and a shoestring.  I’ll walk the cool, autumn streets and breathe.  I’ll let the music do its work and keep walking.  Walking back to a different place on the bipolar spectrum.  Walking through the fear.  Walking back to myself.

The Next Phase

Coming out of another round of rapid cycling, I received an email from my dear friend, Marshall.  As I may have mentioned before, sometimes a mental sucker punch will shock my brain out of it’s funk.  The video Marshall sent me provided that this time.  After watching it, I knew the next phase of my Food Journey had begun.

This takes about an hour to watch all the way through, but you won’t be disappointed.  Amazingly informative and hilarious at the same time.  Let me know what you think.

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