Live in Denial. Wake up. Overcompensate. Go Crazy. Repeat.
Basically, this is my Pattern for living. It’s definitely my financial strategy. This past year I thought I was getting comfortable with my poverty—coming to terms with it—my smug self said. But what really happened was that I just pretended it didn’t exist.
I know lots of people do this with money. Statistics from The Federal Reserve say that the average U.S. household credit card debt is $15,270. That doesn’t include medical or mortgage debt, so imagine what the real number might be! People all over the country plug their ears with their fingers and sing, “La la la la. I can’t hear you.” Knowing this makes me feel a little less crazy, my compulsive spending a little less shameful. It makes my combined debt of $3000 seem paltry. But I still have to deal with it.
My hope is that every time I go through this cycle I learn a little something. Maybe I can adjust the pattern a wee bit this time. Maybe that’s denial talking, but it seems like I’m required to try. Right now I’m between Waking up and Overcompensating. Maybe I can keep from swinging too far into a way of living that’s unsustainable. I did that when I decided to save money for a new car, cinching the financial belt so tight I passed out from stress and threw myself into a month of rapid cycling. Neuro-normals go through this, too, I’ve learned. There’s even a term for it—Frugal Fatigue. They don’t land themselves in a mental hospital, though. Well, I’m guessing they don’t.
There are some things I do right. I keep a spreadsheet of every penny I spend. I pay my bills through the Bill Pay option with my bank, so things like rent and internet service get paid the same time every month.
There are things I’ve gotten better at doing. When I was recovering from electroshock and very brain-sick, cooking threw me into scary anxiety attacks, so I ate a lot of take-in. I mostly enjoy cooking now, especially when I create something fabulous from digging through my pantry (see my Kitchen Sink Chili recipe below). But, there are still times when I’m so brain-sick I can’t face cooking. I try to have easy, microwaveable stuff on hand for those times. And if I can’t even do that much, then try to limit the splurging to one meal, one item, one treat. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Making wise money choices while cycling through mixed states is sort of a contradiction in terms. The urge to bolt in my truck requires gas. The day-long camp-outs at the theater require tickets. Then, of course, we have the standard binge-eating and internet shopping wallows. I’m trying to work on those things with my therapist, but squeezing them too tightly also causes backlash. So, I need to plan for them while I work at minimizing their effects. Tightrope walking at its finest.
So, here’s the first draft of my plan:
- Stop using my credit card. That means buying gas for my truck with cash, which means a lot less driving. That translates to only going to Des Moines in cases of mental emergency. It also means walking as much as I can, which may have to wait until it gets warmer. The windchill today is -8, so I think I’ll be driving to the Y later.
- Try something new. This time around I’m going to try the envelope system. I’ll take out my budgeted amounts for food, gas, laundry and entertainment each week and keep them in separate zip-lock bags. When the money’s gone, it’s gone. I have a friend who has used this system for decades, but I’ve always thought it seemed too restrictive. Well, restriction is what’s needed, so I’m game to try.
- Keep saving for the new car. That’s a priority for me, so I’ll keep tucking away a little each month.
- Adjust my medical payments. Paying $40 a month to my mental health clinic wasn’t taking care of my co-pay from Medicare. I asked them for a statement and found out I owe about $500. I’ve increased my monthly payment (through Bill Pay) to cover my weekly therapist visits and start whittling at the debt.
- Start chipping away at the credit card balance. I’ve routinely paid a lot more than the minimum required, but never enough to cover the monthly charges. If I’m not using my card, I can start reversing that trend.
Personal financial experts suggest test-driving a budget before making a huge commitment. That makes sense to me. I won’t be able to start until my Disability check comes in February, then I’ll take this puppy for a spin. Until then, I’m committed to zero spending. I have gas in the truck, food in the cupboard, a gift card to the theater here in town if I need a movie. I have $11 in my billfold, and I’m determined to still have it come February 3. I’m good. Really good.
Here’s what I created yesterday—a vegan chili recipe that is so delicious I couldn’t believe it. Score!
Kitchen Sink Vegan Chili
½ C dried beans (I used pinto beans, but any kind would work. And canned beans are just fine, too.)
¼ C Bob’s Red Mill Whole Grain Wild and Brown Rice (Again, this is what was in my pantry. Use whatever rice or pasta you have.)
1-16 oz. can diced tomatoes
1-16 oz. can corn
1-6 oz. can tomato paste
1-4 oz. can green chilies, chopped
1-2.25 oz. can sliced black olives
½ onion, diced
Seasonings: salt, turmeric, chili powder, sweetener (I used a packet of Truvia, so 2 tsp. of sugar would be the same)
Soak and cook the beans according to the directions. Same with the rice (or pasta). Beans need a couple of hours to cook. Wild rice needs an hour. Drain.
Add all the other stuff.
Add water to make the chili a consistency you like.
Add seasonings. I think seasoning is personal and requires tasting, so I don’t have any measurements for them. Turmeric was a creative choice this time and turned out to be fabulous. Use whatever you’ve got. The one exception to my chili seasoning rule is sweetener. It cuts the acid of the tomatoes and just makes any kind of chili better (in my humble opinion).
This made 4 big bowls of deliciousness—231 calories/bowl. I topped it with crumbled up corn bread (add another 150 calories).