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My mood tanked a few days ago. That’s why I’ve been posting videos. I’m at that place where I’m sure no one could possibly tolerate my whingeing or have any interest in my detailed suicide plans. Such are the torqued thoughts that needle into my head. But, when I started this enterprise two years ago, I promised to be transparent—the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly all laid out for inspection like a mental yard sale.
This would be the Bad. Okay, maybe also the Ugly.
I’m labeling this a Severe Depressive Episode, so severe that I considered asking my therapist to get me checked into the Day Treatment Program at Mercy Hospital. But, she was completely booked today, so I didn’t see her. And I was too exhausted and brain-fried to ask to see another therapist or to declare an emergency. I just ate Ben & Jerry’s, watched a couple of episodes of Firefly, and went to bed.
Or, I will go to bed as soon as I post this.
I’m trying not to think, just find a warm hole to crawl into until the worst of this passes. All the usual symptoms are in play. Wikipedia lists them if you’re curious. Just scroll down to Depressive Episodes. That’s me. Except for hallucinations. I haven’t rung that bell yet.
Okay. That’s all I can manage.