On one hand, the rapid cycling and slow-motion despair dragged me into a “What’s the Use?” thought loop that quickly spiraled into suicidal ideation. On the other hand, I was this month’s Biggest Loser at TOPS with a 9.6 pound weight loss. The fact that I made it out the other side of this bipolar frenzy makes me know, deep in my soul, that I can make it through anything. I told a friend, “If I didn’t kill myself this week, I never will.”
And that feels absolutely true. Not delusional. Not wishful thinking.
I could feel the Bad-Ass coming back yesterday, but I had to keep searching for her. My grip would slip, but if I concentrated, I could find that sense of ferocity, that drive to survive and beat back the darkness. That sure-footedness is a little stronger today.
I know I’m not done with the stress of challenging my compulsive eating and changing the fabric of my life. I know the stress will trigger my illness again. And again. But somehow this battle is bringing me back to myself. I’m finding a partner in me, someone I can finally count on to guard my back instead of sabotaging my efforts. A new level of self-trust is forming, a new confidence. I like this person I’m becoming.
Today I have to agree with Nietzsche—That which does not kill us makes us stronger.