The Eye of God

collage art, hand-made greeting cards

• • •

The eye opens seeing old men, women and children.  The eye opens seeing gods, flesh, vapors.  the eye recalls the beauty of the ordinary.  it sees me, therefore I am.  As such are we all created.  It watches and pierces the heart.  Who knows its name?  Call it love, creating, conspiracy.  Call it an impossible sky hung with moons and stars.  It is yesterday or tomorrow, a million years travelling.  The sun circles and the hawk.  We follow a flow.  Thus looked upon, the world receives its god.

I lived in the delta in a house of mud when I first felt its glance.  I lived in its fire and never knew.  I was asleep, dreaming blue dreams in the egg of the world.  The eye opened and closed, blinking once perhaps as it does every million years, and I came from unknowing into knowing.  I left my hut yawning.  I was naked in a bed of light.  I shone like day.  I opened like a purple flower at dawn.

I am in the eye of god, resting in its blue orb.  Golden eyelids encircle me.  Eyelashes grow like stalks of dark truth.  I see what I never dared—beyond the bucket banging the well, beyond mountains pushing up dirt.  Light shimmers in every blade of grass, gods dance in every leaf, blue and gold fires leap from my pores.  I shine in and out of life.

A thousand forms have I, wholly mine—man and hawk, sycamore, lotus and fig.  I please myself to be born and to die over again. I walk a flowered path bordered by a million years.  Season to season I change as a leaf greening.  I flow as blood through flesh.  The eye opens and closes, and then…

What lives in the gods and rivers lives in me, parts of the whole, one in One.  I take my journey seriously.  I’ve seen mountains, deserts and seas.  Going nowhere one morning I suddenly entered heaven.  I opened its door and passed through.  I stood on polished floors and understood heaven no better there than while I was planting corn.  Then I laughed; in that was truth.

Does the world die with me when I sleep?  It seems so.  I wake in the morning and it is born again—my wife, my children, my cattle, the stars.  There are times in the day when I forget her, then seeing her pass, a jug of water on one hip, she is born in me and love rises.

All things are one beheld in the eye of god.  We are his bodies.  His time moves in our bellies.  There is no season in which heaven does not hold the shape of its beloved, no time in which the earth does not sing.  Under the sun, flamingos nod and bow and walk, Birds of the air spin in countless exhaled breaths.  We are growing, remembering, forgetting, becoming.  The many are one face changing expression.

The eye is everywhere.  There is no act it does not see, no desire it can not hold, no secret that can not be known.  The heavens speak.  The flame bursts on your cheeks.  Things are possible.  In a moment we live a million years, a thousand lives in a breath.

Behold the eye that holds you.  Without hands, it made you.  You will be its hands.  Without tongue, you become its tongue.  Your work is its will.  If what you make—your body, your love, your peace—is good, it shall be looked on by gods and endure forever.

When the eye opens, I look back.

From Awakening Osiris: the Egyptian Book of the Dead;  Translated by Normandi Ellis

The Ties That Bind

handmade greeting card, collage art

Image

Across the 8th Dimension

Buckaroo BanzaiDoes anyone remember The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension?  Quirky Sci-Fi movie from 1984.  Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Clancy Brown, lots of other great actors.  Half of my vocabulary comes from this movie (Laugh it up, Monkey Boy).

There’s a scene where Buckaroo opens the boundaries between dimensions and drives his car through a mountain.  He proves that many realities exist in the same physical space.  Just find the right side-step and you’re face to face with weirdness.  I understand Buckaroo’s disorientation a little better now.

Tuesday, my mom went to the hospital for an angiogram.  Her docs thought she might have some heart problems and wanted to get a good picture of her blood vessels.  One minute my sister and I were joking with her about our double chins as we waited to start the procedure.  The next minute the doctor was telling us he had no idea why she was near death.

Hospital waiting rooms must qualify as another dimension.  Time functions differently—speeding up when the doctor shows up, slowing down between the five-minute visits inside the ICU.  Several new languages must be learned—Doctor-Speak, Endless Speculation, and the abbreviated answer to “how is she?”.

The senses work differently in this dimension, too.  The colors in the jigsaw puzzle I’m working seem alive, blasting with color.  But the smells in the cafeteria hardly register.  Light ranges from stark fluorescents in the halls to ambient murkiness in Mom’s room. Sounds are muffled—the shush of crepe soles, laughter far away, the gentle few bars of Brahms’ Lullaby over the intercom whenever a baby is born.  It’s all very odd.

Even when I leave the hospital, I’m still caught in its vortex.  I talk to my friends, feed my cats, eat supper, but all done on the wrong side of the dimensional barrier.  I’m wrapped in a space suit of Hospital Waiting Room and can’t quite touch my own reality.  Which seems right.  Moving through dimensions must have repercussions.  I’ll just stay here for the duration and acclimatize.  I’m afraid I’ll be back soon enough.

Joyous Mothers’ Day

I’m a little late with my wishes, O Moms of the Blogosphere, but heartfelt all the same.  Hope your day was filled with bowing and scraping from your offspring.

Feminists' Gorge

A Head-Scratcher

handmade greeting card, collage art

♦ ♦ ♦

I don’t have the words.

This is not a problem that often comes up for me.  Lucid, delusional, manic or morbid, I can generally put words to the experience.  Not this time.

I’m not in exactly the same state as before I went to the hospital, but I’m not far from it.  The stressors that sent me scrambling for help are still in place and still unresolvable.  Tried and true tools for getting back on the Bipolar Bad-Ass track don’t work any more (or at least aren’t working now).  Instead, older, unhealthy coping mechanisms are in play, and I drift through the day in exhausted apathy.  Or my frequent blasts of anger turn me into someone I don’t recognize—defensive, bitter, paranoid, hateful.

I’m stumped.  I don’t have a map for this place.  I feel like I’m not asking the right questions or turning my face in the wrong direction.

By the time I got into the Partial Hospital Program (PHP), I’d decided solitude was the best option for me.  My people skills had deteriorated to utter confusion.  I was lonely, but the dangers and disappointments in connecting with others were too high a price.  I knew this wasn’t the healthiest choice, but I couldn’t see a way around it.

In PHP, we talked about relationships, boundaries and community.  My resolution to keep people at a distance had to be reconsidered.  The counselors said the five people you spend the most time with are who you end up becoming.  They asked us to look at who we hang out with, if they were our role models, and if not to think about who we would like to become.

I took that to heart when I came home and reached out to people I admire.  Every day I spend time with those lovely friends, or talk to them, or arrange dates for another time.  It’s incredibly hard work.

But the PHP staff was right.  My heroes lift me up.  They mirror my best back at me.  Their light and laughter part the clouds in a truly biblical way.  Still, there’s trauma in shaking loose of the folks I don’t want to become—the glass-half-empty folks.  I’m just trying to spend more time with my heroes, not reject the others.

I don’t know how to do this, either.  I’m fumbling around in the dark, banging my shin on the furniture and stepping on the cats.  Worst yet, I don’t have the words to frame this weird, new place.  I’m called to be patient, to keep moving through alien terrain until I learn the language, until I can decipher the code.  I’m uncomfortable, and frightened and angry.  But I must try to wait.  Just wait.

The Challenge

I had to post this new Audi ad because… well… BECAUSE!

Perhaps

Tiger“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Reblogged from Flowers, Trees and Other Such Gifts of Nature

Back in the Saddle Again

handmade greeting cards, collage artCozy up to the campfire and pour yourself a cuppa Joe.  We been ridin’ the range a few days now.  Time to stretch out and rest our dogs.

We’re drivin’ this herd through familiar territory, but found some new trails.  Took us to pastures we’d never seen.  Some o’them trails was mighty hard to find.  On the range long enough though, a feller gets a nose for trails that’ll lead to good grazing.

We got our old gear, molded to fit our grip with sweat, heat and hard work.  But, we picked up some new-fangled too-dads in the city, too.  Feel a might awkward in our hands, can’t quite get the gist of ‘em yet.  But if y’squint just right, you can see how they might get useful.

Had to dump the old supplies.  Too much weight, nothin’ we could use there.  Still got a few bits hangin’, but once we whet the knives we oughta get that sorted.

Had to let a few hands go.  Ijits couldn’t drive a steer if’n their momma’s begged ‘em.  That’s all right.  Found us a couple of new hands look to be the genuine article.  Put ‘em behind a thousand head with the sun burnin’ their backs, and they’ll show true colors soon enough.

We got us a long ride ahead.  Lots of territory to cover.  Best get some shut-eye now.  Sun’ll be up before you know it.

Zzzzz…

handmade greeting card, collage artMmmfrph.  This is my first morning after my first night on a sleeping pill in over three years.  Erg.  Still didn’t sleep through the night, but part of my brain seems to be unaware of this fact.

Speaking of drugs, my conversation with the hospital shrink was quite satisfactory.  She was the one three years ago who told me pharmacology had nothing more to offer me, which set me on my Bipolar Bad-Ass course.  I thanked her for that, which caused some wide-eyed blinking and mention of new meds I might try.  Thanks, but no.  But after two more nights of only three hours of sleep and no opportunity for a nap during the day, I agreed that a sleeping aid was in order.

Changes is one’s sleep pattern is an early warning sign of mental distress, but I wasn’t paying attention.  It’s too easy for me to just take a nap during the day if I’m tired.  I’d been doing this for so long, I forgot it wasn’t healthy.  So now I have to retrain my body and brain to the required eight consecutive hours.  It will take a little time and tolerance for the morning hangover.

Fatigue makes me irritable and intolerant.  Concentration splinters and I lose my sense of humor.  Sitting in group all day with other people jangles all those weary nerves.  I try to watch as my irritability bubbles up, take a deep breath, and wait for the froth to settle before speaking.  So far, so good.

It helps to be working with interesting material.  Tuesday we spent the day on self-esteem.  Yesterday we started on boundaries and anger management.  More on those topics today.

Here’s part of a video we watched from Jack Canfield, the author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. I managed to stay awake for this one.

Totally Subjective and Non-Scientific

handmade greeting card, collage artYesterday was my first day in the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP).  This handout was the first bit of business our group worked through.  In Parts One and Two, we marked the items we’ve experienced in the past three months.  Then we marked the items we experienced more than three months ago.  This was to help us see patterns of distorted thinking, isolation and a victim mentality.  In looking at Part Three, we were asked to pick the one item we felt was most important to our mental health.

I think this bodes well for the week.

Steven James’ Totally Subjective, Non-Scientific Guide to Illness and Health

How to Get Sick

  1. Don’t pay attention to your body.  Eat plenty of junk food, drink too much, take drugs, have lots of unsafe sex with lots of different partners and, above all, feel guilty about it.  If you are over-stressed and tired, ignore it and keep pushing yourself.
  2. Cultivate the experience of your life as meaningless and of little value.
  3. Do everything you dread or hate and avoid doing what you really want.  Follow everyone else’s opinion and advice while seeing yourself as miserable and stuck.
  4. Be resentful and hyper-critical, especially toward yourself.
  5. Fill your mind with dreadful pictures, then obsess over them.  Worry as much as possible.
  6. Avoid deep, lasting, intimate relationships.
  7. Blame other people for your problems.
  8. Don’t express your feelings or opinions.  Other people wouldn’t appreciate it.  If at all possible, don’t even know what your feelings are.
  9. Shun anything that resembles a sense of humor.  Life is no laughing matter.
  10. Avoid making any changes that might bring you greater satisfaction and joy.

How to Get Sicker (If You’re Already Sick)

  1. Think about all the awful things that could happen to you.  Dwell on negative, fearful images.
  2. Be depressed, self-pitying, envious and angry.  Blame everyone and everything for your illness.
  3. Read articles, books and newspapers; watch television programs; and listen to people who reinforce the viewpoint that there is no hope.  You are powerless to influence your fate.
  4. Cut yourself off from other people.  Regard yourself as a pariah.  Lock yourself up in your room and contemplate death.
  5. Hate yourself for having destroyed your life.  Blame yourself mercilessly and incessantly.
  6. Go to see lots of different doctors.  Run from one to another, spend half your time in waiting rooms, get lots of conflicting opinions and lots of experimental drugs, start one program after another without sticking to any.
  7. Quit your job, stop work on any projects, give up all activities that bring you a sense of purpose and fun.  See your life as essentially pointless and at an end.
  8. Complain about your symptoms, and if you associate with anyone, do so exclusively with those who are unhappy and embittered.  Reinforce each other’s feelings of hopelessness.
  9. Don’t take care of yourself.  Try to get other people to do it for you, and then resent them for not doing a good job.
  10. Think how awful life is and how you might as well be dead.  But make sure you are absolutely terrified of death, just to increase the pain.

How to Stay Well (Or Get Better if You’re Not Well to Begin With)

  1. Do things that bring you a sense of fulfillment, joy, purpose and that validate your worth.  See your life as your own creation and strive to make it a positive one.
  2. Pay close and loving attention to yourself, tuning in to your needs on all levels.  Take care by nourishing, supporting and encouraging yourself.
  3. Release all negative emotions—resentment, envy, fear, sadness, anger.  Express your feelings appropriately, then forgive yourself.
  4. Hold positive images and goals in your mind, pictures of what you truly want in life.  When fearful images arise, refocus on ones that evoke feelings of peace and joy.
  5. Love yourself and everyone else.  Make loving the purpose and primary expression in your life.
  6. Create fun, loving, honest relationships that fulfill your needs for intimacy and security.  Try to heal any wounds in past or present relationships, such as with old lovers or family members.
  7. Make a positive contribution to your community through some form of work or service that you value and enjoy.
  8. Make a commitment to health and well-being.  Develop a belief in the possibility of Total Health.  Develop your own healing program, drawing on the support and advice of experts without becoming enslaved to them.
  9. Keep your sense of humor.
  10. Accept yourself and everything in your life as an opportunity for growth and learning.  Be grateful.  When you mess up, forgive yourself, learn what you can from the experience, and then move on.

Previous Older Entries

Blog Stats

  • 58,900 hits
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 383 other followers